


I'm So Bad (Baby I Don't Care)

by slimothy



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Feelings Realization, Found Family, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, implied anxiety and depression, implied stress eating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 38,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29601846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slimothy/pseuds/slimothy
Summary: After Battle of the Bands, Evil Robot Bill and Ted decide to lay low while the good human versions assume they're dead. Neither of them expect to meet again, but when an unfortunate circumstance causes their paths to cross, they both realize the other versions of themselves might not be so bad.
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Evil Robot Ted (Bill & Ted), Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 39





	1. (Evil Ted)

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to the fic where i give evil robot bill and ted big emotions. i love characters with chaotic evil energy so i wanted to write a fic from their perspective and ended up getting way too carried away with it. hope u enjoy. title is after a Motörhead song. 
> 
> new chapter every week. 
> 
> [my bill and ted playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0jLyD3uQrgPykkcxur4AH6?si=7e2dcc83d7954f5d)
> 
> [my evil robot playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/15w3ABc4FNRyt8jAI3jNwd?si=4c00c62b72cd4f7c)

After Battle of the Bands, things did not bode well for Evil Robot Bill and Ted. Their good counterparts threw their heads in the dumpster, which caused the headless evil versions to spend two hours stumbling around to even _get_ to the dumpster, then it was a whole other struggle to dig through the trash to get their heads. Their ears were clogged with garbage and Evil Bill was blind in his left eye for a week due to damage. 

They went to bust De Nomolos out of prison, but when they whispered to him through the barred window, he called them insipid droids and screamed about how he would rather be in prison for eternity than look at them for even a second longer. His yelling attracted the guards and Evil Bill and Ted had to book it out of there before they got themselves arrested. 

They had only been in San Dimas for a few days and were already on their own with nowhere to go. De Nomolos hated them and human Bill and Ted’s wasn’t an option for obvious reasons. 

Evil Ted felt pathetic. They were programmed to be super machines of destruction, but they were stuck breaking into motel rooms and pickpocketing. The only good thing about their situation was that they could do whatever they wanted knowing that good Bill and Ted would get the blame. Until the world caught on that the robots they saw get their heads kicked off on t.v. were both still walking around, then there would probably be some sort of manhunt. Or maybe Evil Ted thought they were more important than they actually were, and nobody really cared if they were out and about. He thought that last part was probably true, but he told himself it was whatever. He had Evil Bill and didn’t need anything else, so who cares? Not him. 

Evil Ted was hotwiring a car while Evil Bill kept lookout. They wanted to get out of San Dimas. It was highly unlikely, but maybe there was a place where people didn’t know Bill and Ted, and they could start an actual life together posing as regular humans. That was the reason Evil Ted wanted out, the reason Evil Bill wanted out was that there were apparently a million places better that were more fun and had hotter babes. Or so he said. 

Evil Ted’s ‘Life Outside of San Dimas’ plan consisted of finding a small town, making a home with Evil Bill, being general nuisances to the public, and then staying until they either got bored or kicked out. He fantasized himself about it despite knowing that Evil Bill would probably laugh and tease him if he said it aloud. 

“Bogus, dude,” Evil Bill grabbed Evil Ted’s shoulder and pulled him along. A dude was walking out of the gas station and was starting to run at them, yelling curses and threatening to kick their asses. 

Evil Bill and Ted were robots, far more adept than humans, so it didn’t take them long to outrun the guy. Once they were sure they lost him, the two slowed to a walk and Evil Bill let out a laugh. “That dude was so pissed!” he mimicked the guy’s voice, repeating the insults he spewed out, and Ted started laughing so hard he stumbled, clutching at his chest while he walked hunched over. “Dude, we should have let him at us!” 

“Steal his car while he’s watching!” Evil Ted jumped and punched the air with his unspent energy. They both wanted to follow their programming and cause chaos, but it wouldn’t do any good getting Bill and Ted back on their case. They almost destroyed them once, they probably could for good if they wanted. 

“Yeah, totally!” Evil Bill nodded and they air guitared. 

Evil Bill shivered and untied his flannel from around his waist to put it on. 

Evil Ted wanted to keep Evil Bill warm and safe, but he had nothing. “There’s a motel up ahead, dude,” Evil Ted said. Hopefully there was a free room. 

The motel was dingy and after peeking through the windows, Bill picked the lock on a room with ease. 

"Bogus," Evil Bill said as they stepped into the room. There was only one bed. 

They weren't exactly uncomfortable with sharing space, squishing up against each other in the phone booth without a second thought, but it was different when it came to a bed. They would be sleeping next to each other, feeling each other during the night, and they would wake up with the first thing being the other. 

Actually, now that Evil Ted thought about it, it didn't seem that bad. 

“Come on, let's find a different room,” Evil Bill turned around to leave but Evil Ted stayed in his spot. 

“We shouldn’t risk it,” Evil Ted said. He turned his gaze away from Evil Bill’s furrowing brow. “I mean, I could just sleep on the floor.” He regretted saying anything, feeling meek. 

Evil Bill thought about it before shutting the door and nodding. “Yeah, you’re right, Evil Ted. Getting caught would be totally non-triumphant.” 

Ted straightened up at the praise. 

“You don’t have to sleep on the floor, duder,” Evil Bill sat down on the bed and kicked off his shoes. “Just don’t crawl on top of me in your sleep.” 

They ended up under the covers together, laying a few inches apart, watching an old black and white western. Evil Ted felt a little stupid about it, but he liked doing this stuff. Breaking into somewhere and spending the night with Evil Bill. He was still bitter about how they were promised a great future only to have it ripped away from them, but he felt okay with Evil Bill at his side. The petty crime stuff was fun, having no real responsibilities. They could do what they wanted without worrying about De Nomolos getting mad or messing up something important. 

Evil Bill was really mad about Battle of the Bands after it all went down. Evil Ted had to hear for days how they were gonna get back on top, kill those 'good human pussweeds', and then show De Nomolos what he could have had if he wasn't a total dick. But now all he talked about was getting out of San Dimas. Evil Ted suspected Evil Bill was irritated with the constant reminder that they lost, being in the same town as the human Bill and Ted and where they got their asses kicked. 

He would never tell Evil Bill, but he saw the way he looked over his shoulder in fear. As if the good versions of them would suddenly be there to end them for real. He wanted to tell Evil Bill that he would protect him and keep him safe. But after everything, he didn't know if he could, and Evil Bill would probably laugh at him anyway. 

He wished he was enough for Evil Bill, just like how _he_ was enough for Evil Ted. 

\-----

Evil Bill and Ted wandered through a crowded department store. It was decided between them that morning that having a backpack would be useful, so they could carry around snacks and whatever else they wanted without being limited to their pockets. They didn’t need food or water to survive, but it was a small comfort to have in a world where they didn’t own anything except the clothes they were wearing. 

Also, it would be easier to steal stuff. 

Evil Bill led Evil Ted over to the backpacks and snatched a black one off a hook. He snapped off the tag and threw it on the floor as they made their way over to the clothes. Evil Ted kept watch of everyone else, making sure no one else was paying attention to them to see them stealing. They would have come when the store was empty, but they didn’t want to risk being seen coming in with nothing and leaving with a stuffed pack, better to blend in with the crowd. 

They stopped at a shelf with hoodies and Evil Bill started looking for ones in their size, throwing the incorrect ones haphazardly to the side. They had been wearing the same outfits for nearly three weeks now and it showed (and most definitely smelled). 

There was a woman shopping next to them, looking at the t-shirts with her back turned to her cart with her purse sitting zipped open in the child’s seat. Evil Ted sneaked his hand in and felt around for a wallet, keeping an eye on the woman in case she turned around. This was something he and Evil Bill usually did together. One would distract the person while the other pick-pocketed, and Evil Ted felt a little nervous doing it on his own, the safety of Evil Bill keeping the person clueless gone. 

He felt the leather of a wallet and pulled it out, quickly searching through it for money while the woman kneeled down to get a shirt. Evil Ted pulled out the cash and shoved the wallet back in the purse just before she turned back around to put her shirt in her cart. He gave her a smile with hopes that she didn't see anything. The woman innocently smiled back before pushing her cart away. 

Evil Ted sighed in relief and turned around to Evil Bill, who was holding two black hoodies and pairs of jeans, to show him his steal. 

"Stellar, Evil Ted!" he said. "How much?" 

Evil Ted counted. "Seven dollars." 

“Hey, that’s enough for slushies and hot dogs!” 

“Excellent!” They both said with an air guitar. 

Evil Bill shoved the clothes in the backpack while Evil Ted pocketed the money. They hadn’t had slushies since before Battle of the Bands, and they haven’t eaten anything besides candy that they could sneak out of a gas station. Having a hot dog sounded most savory. 

They went through the grocery aisles, sneaking snacks into the backpack. Evil Ted was excited to finally be getting food, practically mouth watering at the bag of pizza rolls that Evil Bill grabbed. They were planning on staying in another motel that they spotted for the night, and they were totally going to stay up watching t.v. and treating themselves. 

Once the backpack was full, Evil Bill zipped it up and slipped it on his back. It was a miracle they hadn't been caught yet, but Evil Ted supposed everyone was probably paying attention to only themselves. There was still a hefty crowd to maneuver through as they made their way to the exit. Ted kept watching the floor for any money he could snatch up, relying on the back of Evil Bill's feet to guide him through the store. 

He bumped into Evil Bill when he suddenly stopped in front of him. "Dude?" 

Evil Bill was staring at a cart, and Evil Ted peeked over his shoulder to see a Gameboy sitting in it, nestled in among the shopper's groceries. Whoever's cart it was, they were gone, and Evil Bill did a look around to make sure no one was paying attention to them before reaching in to grab it. 

Evil Ted was a little confused. Evil Bill was always the one who told him they couldn't afford to get arrested over luxuries, and that one day they would be able to have whatever they wanted, but right now they had to wait. And now here he was taking a Gameboy. But whatever, Evil Ted thought. He wasn't going to say anything, Evil Bill was allowed to change his mind, and having something to play with would be fun. 

Evil Bill was taking off his backpack when he yelled in pain and dropped the Gameboy back in the cart, rubbing at his wrist. 

A few people turned their heads towards them, including a woman with her kid who got a very angry look and began making her way over. "What are you doing at my cart?" 

That gained the attention of an employee, who was no doubt calling security after noticing their suspiciously full bag. 

"Bogus!" Evil Bill and Ted started running towards the exit, pushing aside people in their rush. 

Evil Ted was freaking out, he was sure it showed on his face. It was less so about the very mad, very big security guard going after them (although that was certainly a problem that Evil Ted didn't like having to deal with), and more about the pained noise that Evil Bill made. He needed Evil Bill to be okay. 

Evil Bill knocked a man into a shelf of toilet paper, causing the whole thing to fall over, and he laughed until he tripped forward, smacking his face right into the floor. " _Ow_ ," he tried getting up only to fall again. 

Evil Ted lifted him up by the arms, looking back and forth at Evil Bill and the security guard who was gaining on them. He was about to pick him up so they could get the hell out of there, but Evil Bill pushed him away. "I'm fine,” he said, so Ted let him be on his two feet. 

They outran the guard and dodged the two at the exit, narrowly avoiding the arms reached out for them. They stopped running when they were a few blocks away from the store, realizing that they weren't being followed. Apparently, two shoplifters weren't enough to warrant a foot chase. 

Anxiety made its way into Evil Ted's brain at full blast. What happened to Evil Bill? They were robots, they weren't supposed to feel pain. He was even limping now they weren't being chased. Super powerful evil robots didn't _limp_. "Dude, what's wrong?" Evil Ted hoped nothing was seriously bad. He didn't know what he would do if something happened to Evil Bill. 

"Nothing," Evil Bill lied straight through his teeth. "That was totally bogus, and it's not gonna happen again." 

Evil Ted didn't know how to respond. 

He told himself it was nothing. Just like Evil Bill said. 

\-----

Evil Bill was back to normal the next day after a night of sleep. Evil Ted tried bringing up what happened multiple times, but Evil Bill always said there was nothing to worry about and would get snappy if Evil Ted pushed any further, so he eventually gave up. He knew Evil Bill was lying. Evil Ted saw the way he would look at himself with doubt, scared that his body would suddenly spin out of control. But he also wanted everything to be good and fine, so he ignored it just as much as Evil Bill did. 

The trip to the store ended up being totally worth it despite the trouble with security. They still had snacks and wouldn’t have to steal more for another couple of days, the few bucks Ted snagged got them the most delicious hot dogs and slushies from the Circle K, and the hoodies did their job well to help keep them warm during nights they couldn’t get a spot to sleep indoors. 

Having new clothes also meant they could wash their shirts at a laundromat without having to strip. The only thing standing in their way in regards to clean clothes was that they had no money. Even if they kept the seven dollars, it still wouldn’t have been enough for a wash and dry. They found that out two days ago when Evil Bill punched the washing machine and dented it because it cost four dollars, which was according to him a ‘bogus price that a total dickweed came up with’. Then they shook the candy and soda vending machines so they could get at least something out of the quick trip. 

So now they were on the search for unsuspecting victims to pickpocket. The perfect place for that was the mall. People were more likely to have lots of cash and they would be easier to lose if caught. Their routine was simple: one distracts, the other steals.

They had about thirty bucks when Evil Bill started eyeing a girl who was looking at the directory. He made his way over while Evil Ted hung back, waiting for him to start talking to her. 

He felt some jealous rage flare up when Evil Bill stood straighter and stuck out his chest a little. Evil Ted nearly forgot to sneak behind her and carefully fish her wallet out of her purse due to the strong possessiveness brewing in him. 

Evil Ted never really got angry. He was mean, sure, and had a distaste for pretty much everyone except for his evil robot companion, but he never really got _angry_. Right now, however, he was pissed. It was such a minor thing, Evil Bill was only doing the same thing they've been doing all day and she wasn't even into him, politely rejecting his offer to help her find the store she needed. And yet he wanted to drag Evil Bill away by the back of his shirt so he would stop looking at her and look at _him_. 

Ted didn't bother going through her wallet to look for anything. He just pocketed it and turned away in a huff. 

Evil Bill gave a quick goodbye and popped up beside Evil Ted with a hand on his shoulder. The touch sent electricity through him and his anger subsided at once again having Evil Bill’s full, undivided attention. The blonde nudged Evil Ted down a little so they were walking at the same level and slung his arm around his shoulders. 

Evil Bill grabbed the wallet from Evil Ted’s hands and counted the cash in it with his arm still wrapped around him. Evil Ted wasn’t focusing on that, but rather the way Evil Bill’s whispered counting felt against his cheek and how his arm was around his shoulders. It made Evil Ted feel safe, like they were in a little bubble together where no one else mattered. Especially not any pretty babes that Evil Bill might take fancy to. Evil Bill was _his_. 

Evil Ted didn’t know why he got like this.

“How much?” Evil Ted tried to be casual, but he could hear the small tremor in his voice. 

“Not much,” Evil Bill shrugged only to give a cheeky smile, waving the money in Evil Ted’s face. “Only a hundred dollars.” 

“No way!” 

“Yes way!” 

The robots separated and air guitared to celebrate their pull. This meant they could pay for a motel room instead of breaking in and they could do their laundry. 

Their good luck didn’t last long. 

“You fuckers stole my money!” a voice shouted. It was the second guy they had pick-pocketed from, a man who previously pointed Evil Ted to the food court with incredible patience as he asked about five times over to show him again, but was now red-faced and charging at them with the rage of a bull. 

"Evil Ted?" 

"Yeah, Evil Bill?" 

"I'm starting to believe we are not as excellent at being thieves as we previously thought." 

Evil Ted made a noise in agreement. They were gonna start running, but Evil Bill suddenly collapsed on the ground in pain, arms and legs twitching. 

Evil Ted tried to help him stand up, but the man balled his fist in the front of Ted's shirt and raised his fist. Evil Ted could easily push him away, but he honestly couldn't wait to see the guy's face when he punched him. They hadn't gotten in any actual fights since Battle of the Bands and Evil Ted missed the thrill. He was also harboring spite towards him for pulling him away from Evil Bill, who was shaking on the ground and still trying to get up. 

"Give me back my money!" 

"No way, duder," Evil Ted shook his head. "You should have been paying attention." 

"You little shits," he punched Evil Ted straight in the face but instantly recoiled as his fist hit metal. His face was totally worth it, scrunched up in pain and confusion. He let go of Evil Ted, who was gonna hit him back, but he stopped when Evil Bill groaned in pain. 

Evil Ted finally noticed a crowd had gathered and two security guards were making their way over. He was so used to being the bad guy that it threw him for a loop when one guard took the man who punched him, ignoring his cries that his money was stolen, and the other asked Evil Ted if his friend was okay. 

"I should get him home," Evil Ted picked up Evil Bill in his arms and realized that even though he was still twitching, he was passed out. Evil Ted needed to decide where 'home' would be for the night, and he wondered if he could carry Evil Bill all the way to a motel without concern. Maybe he could use some of the money for bus fare, but he hated doing something without checking with Evil Bill about it first. 

Well, Evil Bill was passed out, so everything was up to Evil Ted for now. 

"No, he should go to a hospital," the guard said. "I'll call an ambulance. Stay here." 

He left and the crowd started to disperse, a few people looking back with concern. 

They couldn't get on an ambulance, so Evil Ted made his way out of the mall and sat at the bus stop. Evil Bill had mostly stopped twitching, only a flick of the wrist now and then with an occasional head shake. Luckily nobody said anything on the bus ride and the motel clerk only told him that Advil was great for hangovers. 

He got a room with two beds this time and laid Evil Bill on one. 

Evil Ted, after getting through everything calmly, started shaking over Evil Bill. He held in his tears. If Evil Bill were to wake up, Evil Ted wouldn't want him to see him crying. It was all so embarrassing, the emotions he was feeling. He should be doing something sensible. Evil Bill would have found a way to help Evil Ted if they were reversed, he would have handled it calmly without panic. But that's why he needed Evil Bill so bad, he couldn't do this on his own. 

Evil Bill was smart, cool under pressure, and Evil Ted _needed_ him. He was the only person who Evil Ted wanted around, the only person who could make him feel _good_. 

Evil Ted turned on the t.v. with a shaking hand and sat in the bed next to Evil Bill in case something happened. 

He brought his hand to Evil Bill's face, staring at him instead of the television. He really was pretty, and Evil Ted wished he could stare like this while Evil Bill was awake so he could really _see_ those bright, blue eyes. He ran his fingers through his curls, playing with them gently. He took his hand away soon, afraid that Evil Bill would wake up and wonder why Evil Ted was petting his face. 

It was a few hours of nothing except Evil Ted's anxiety getting worse and worse until Evil Bill slowly opened his eyes. “Mmph," he rubbed at his eyes. "What happened?" 

Evil Ted was going to answer, but Evil Bill started flailing around in a panic to stand up. Kicking his legs to get himself out of bed, he feverishly ran his hands through his hair with wide eyes. "The guy! The dude! A-are you okay?" 

"I'm fine, duder," Evil Ted got up and reached out to get Evil Bill to calm down, but he stayed out of his reach. "Are _you_ okay?" 

Evil Bill's eyes were wild and he shook his head in some sort of panic. He opened and closed his mouth in an attempt to find something to say. 

"Evil Bill, what's wrong?" 

Evil Bill ran off to the bathroom. Slamming the door behind him, he ended up staying in there for a good few hours, leaving Evil Ted waiting on the bed and wondering what he should have done differently, until he slunk out and sat on the other bed. 

Evil Ted knew Evil Bill wouldn't talk about it, so he didn't ask. 

He hated that they were out of sync, and he was scared of whatever was happening to Evil Bill was going to get worse. What if he didn't wake up next time? Evil Ted wanted to open Evil Bill up and fix the problem, but he wouldn't know what to do. He was worthless.

They sat for the rest of the night. Evil Bill eventually got up and took out a pack of Twinkies from the backpack, handing a few to Evil Ted after dumping out some for himself. 

Evil Ted wondered what good human Ted was doing. Probably sleeping. Or maybe also watching t.v. with his Bill. He wondered, though, was he just as lost? Did he also feel miserable for himself, only finding comfort in his friend who was sitting just out of reach? Or was he happy? 

Evil Ted decided good human Ted was happy. He wasn't programmed to be evil, wasn't dumped by his only parental figure, and his best friend was most likely safe and healthy. 

He wasn't jealous of his good counterpart. Human Ted was a dweeb and robot Ted was totally metal. But why did _he_ get the good life?

Evil Ted looked over to Evil Bill. A plan was forming in his head in case he ever passed out like that again. One that he wouldn't tell Evil Bill because he would definitely hate it. 

It made him feel a little better to have a plan, and he felt good that he came up with it on his own. 

Maybe he wasn't entirely worthless after all. 

Evil Bill, eyes alight with paranoia, was surrounded by Twinkie wrappers and kept shoveling more into his mouth. 

Now if only Ted could figure out the right things to say. 

\-----

Evil Ted threw their clothes in the wash while Evil Bill threw his body at the vending machine. It had actually taken some convincing from Evil Ted to go do their laundry, Evil Bill coming up with excuses to stay inside. Evil Ted knew he was scared of getting in another situation where he passed out, and he finally got him to agree to leave by telling him that they won’t get any trouble, just do their laundry and come back to the motel room. It had taken all day, but they were now at the laundromat. 

"Dude, they put anti-robot security on this or something," Evil Bill said after another running leap at the machine yielded no results. 

"Bogus," Evil Ted wasn't really paying attention. The buttons on the washing machine were confusing. Did the temperature matter? What was a load size? "Dude, what do I push?" 

"Start, dude," Evil Bill kicked at the vending machine and groaned when it wobbled but still no candy fell out. 

"Oh, yeah!" Evil Ted laughed and hit start. That was easy. 

Nothing happened. 

"Dude, it's static," Evil Ted said. 

Evil Bill took a pause from his punching. "Did you put the money in, dude?" 

Evil Ted looked down into his hand, which was holding four crumpled up ones. Evil Bill sighed and resumed his vending machine assault. 

Evil Ted looked over the washing machine and his confusion grew. "Where do you put the money?" There was only one slot and it wasn't big enough for dollars. 

Evil Bill took a punch at the vending machine before going over to Evil Ted to help. He snapped his finger at the slot, where there was a picture of three circles in different sizes. "Duder, those little circles mean coins." 

"Where do we get coins?" Evil Ted fished out the few bits of change he had in his pocket. Two pennies, a dime, and a quarter weren't enough. 

Evil Bill and Ted looked around and Evil Ted tilted his head at a box on the wall that said 'CHANGE'. "You think that's it?" 

"Good catch, Evil Ted!" Evil Bill grabbed the money from his hand as Evil Ted smiled. 

There was something great about the best guy in the world being proud of you. 

Evil Bill made his way to the change machine, but his body made a sudden, very alarming, buzzing sound and started twitching

"Evil Bill?" Evil Ted went to put his hand on Evil Bill’s shoulder. 

Evil Bill pushed away his hand and clutched his own chest, keeling over. "I'm fine!" 

"Are you sure, dude?" Evil Ted had his plan, that didn't mean he was okay with whatever was happening to Evil Bill, and it also didn't mean that he was able to push past his instinct that said if Evil Bill says it's fine then it's fine. 

Evil Bill fell onto his knees. "Yep," he said with gritted teeth. "Most excellent." His body did another jolt and Evil Bill fell forward, hands on the floor and out of breath. With the help of Evil Ted, he got back up on his feet. He stumbled backward a bit but straightened himself out. 

"Evil Bill, I think-" 

"Shut up, Evil Ted," Evil Bill muttered and limped to the change machine, leaning against the wall while he put in the cash. 

Evil Ted would have shut up if the sight of Evil Bill in pain didn't make him so sad. 

"Evil Bill, you should sit down," Evil Ted followed him to the machine and tried to take the cash. 

"No." 

"But-" 

"I'm not a pussweed!" Evil Bill punched the change machine after he put the dollars in. "And I'm not broken. Just let me do it!” 

“I didn’t call you either of those things,” Evil Ted said. He finally understood why Evil Bill had been so upset. He felt _broken_. 

Evil Bill scooped up the change with a frown. “Whatever,” he went to put the change in the machine but his head twitched violently and he stopped. 

“Dude, sit down,” Evil Ted took the quarters from Evil Bill. “The plastic chairs look most comfy,” a very non-convincing lie. 

Evil Bill contemplated, but he did end up going to sit down, rubbing the parts of him that hurt. 

After Evil Ted started the wash, he joined him, and took out a box of gobstoppers that they could share. 

Evil Bill shoved three in his mouth and threw another at the vending machine. Bouncing off the glass, the vending machine shook slightly and all the snacks inside tumbled down. 

Evil Bill looked confused, then angry, then triumphant. He and Evil Ted air guitared and the latter ran over to scoop some of the snacks and bring them over to Evil Bill. They sat eating in silence until the washing machine was done, and Evil Ted went to put the load in the dryer. 

When he went back to sit down, Evil Bill said, "I'm only gonna say it once, and I don't want to talk about it." 

"Say what, Evil Bill?" 

"I'm sorry." 

Evil Ted was going to ask what for, but he listened to Evil Bill about not wanting to talk about it, and gave a small nod. 

It was more silence between them until Evil Ted took the laundry out of the dryer. He handed Evil Bill his hat and stuffed the rest in the backpack. 

“Dude, let’s just sleep here tonight,” Evil Bill said. 

“Okay,” Evil Ted sat back down next to Evil Bill. If they got kicked out, then they would just be in the same spot they would be if they left now. 

A few minutes passed and Evil Ted felt Evil Bill’s arm reach around his shoulders, letting him rest his head on Evil Bill. He rubbed his thumb along Evil Ted’s shoulder, and he passed quickly in the warmth of his best friend. 

Evil Bill screamed louder than he ever had before. Evil Ted jolted up in a panic and nearly screamed himself when he saw Evil Bill. Every limb was out of control, causing Evil Bill to be thrashing around on the floor as every part of him went spastic. 

“Evil Bill?” Evil Ted ran over, crouching down next to him. 

“Evil Ted?” his voice was glitching out, deep and robotic. 

“Yeah?” 

“I think this is it, duder.” 

“Don’t say that!” Evil Ted cried out. His best friend, the only person he had, was spasming out and, although Evil Ted didn’t want to think about it at all, dying. “Come on, Evil Bill, don’t do this, dude.” He was going to start crying, which was horribly embarrassing but he couldn’t hold it in. “Please, please, this non-non-non-non heinous. Come on!” He didn’t really know what he was saying anymore, he was probably going to fry himself if he kept feeling this overwhelmed. 

He didn’t know it would be like this. He thought Evil Bill would simply glitch out a little and pass out quickly without much trouble. Then he would secretly do his plan to get Evil Bill fixed for good and everything would be fine again. 

This was something that Evil Bill wouldn’t come back from. 

He needed to get Evil Bill help now, whether he liked Evil Ted’s plan or not. 

"I'm taking you to Bill and Ted's," Evil Ted said. 

"Evil Ted, you bonehead!" Evil Bill tried to get away as Evil Ted picked him up, but he wasn't in control of his body. Evil Bill was hurling insults and objections, but Evil Ted ignored them. It wasn't until they were out the door that Evil Bill really got Evil Ted's attention. 

His body was slowing down, calming into small twitches, but with that Evil Bill was halfway passed out. His speech was slurring but Evil Ted heard his words clear as day. "They're gonna hurt us." 

If anyone was a threat, it was Evil Bill and Ted. They were the ones that killed their other versions, they were the ones with violence literally programmed into them. Yet, Evil Ted understood his fear. There was no reason why Bill and Ted shouldn’t destroy them again. 

But Evil Ted couldn’t fix Evil Bill, and wasn’t human Bill and Ted’s whole thing being the two nicest dudes in the universe? 

“We don’t have another choice,” Evil Ted said. They were the only ones who would really understand, and surely they had the resources to help. “I’ll keep you safe.” Normally he wouldn’t have said it, but Evil Bill needed to know. 

Evil Bill opened his mouth, but he gave out one last shudder and passed out before he could say anything. Evil Ted felt all the responsibility for Evil Bill’s well-being weigh down on his shoulders, but he couldn’t let the sadness and anxiety stop him. 

Evil Ted was glad it was night. No need to worry about passerbys seeing him as he carried his technically dead (hopefully not for long) friend. 

He walked with as much confidence as he could, convincing himself that his plan would work out. 

It had to.


	2. (Bill)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oi second chapter. i read the comments on the first one and i'm glad people are enjoying the story so far :)) 
> 
> also okay i don't know anything about robotics so i made them essentially metal humans. bear with me alright
> 
> cw; homophobic slurs

Bill thought after Battle of the Bands that Wyld Stallyns would be famous, but after about a week nobody really cared anymore. Bill and Ted blended back into normal society without so much as a 'hey I saw you on t.v.!' and life resumed as it always had. Bill and Ted didn't mind. They didn't need to be known or showered with praise. Although being famous would have been nice money-wise, as they were still stuck working their minimum wage jobs. 

Their boss was pretty lenient and let them work extra shifts or overtime if they needed to. Ted picked up an eight hour shift at Pretzels 'N' Cheese while Bill took the day off, meaning Bill had the apartment to himself for most of the day. He was planning on sitting around doing nothing until there was a knock at the door. 

He opened it without checking the peephole, expecting literally anyone except the two who were standing there. 

Ted, holding Bill in his arms, which meant it wasn't _his_ Ted. 

Evil Robot Bill and Ted. 

"You have to help us!" Evil Ted said. 

"No way!" Bill tried to slam the door shut but the robot stuck his foot in the door. "You totally killed us!" 

“I know, but please!” Evil Ted was attempting to push the door open while Bill tried the opposite. The problem was that Bill was much, much weaker than a robot designed to destroy humans. He still persisted, huffing as he forced all his weight onto the door, until Evil Ted said, “Something’s wrong with Evil Bill and I need you to make him better!” and Bill froze. 

In his panic of seeing his and Ted’s robot counterparts, he hadn’t even registered that _his_ robot lookalike didn’t look like he was in any shape to put up a fight. Bill caught his breath. Evil Ted seemed genuine, his tone of voice being one that Bill was familiar with when the real Ted was upset, and if Bill understood one thing it was that Bill and Ted couldn’t be separated, not even the evil versions. 

Bill opened the door. 

A small buzzing sound emitted from Evil Bill, and his fingers were twitching slightly as was his nose and ears. Evil Ted’s face was wet with what was possibly tears but Bill didn’t know if robots were even capable of crying. 

Bill stepped to the side. “You can come in, but don’t touch anything.” 

Evil Ted’s mouth stretched upwards and he went inside, delicately making sure no part of Evil Bill hit the doorframe on his way in. “He started glitching out a few days ago,” Evil Ted didn’t hesitate in going into the problem. Bill closed the door and locked both locks. “This time was really bad. He went completely berserk.” 

Evil Ted shoved Evil Bill’s limp body in Bill’s face. “Okay, dude,” Bill leaned back. He was still freaked by their clones. “Put him on the floor and come with me.” 

Evil Ted hesitated. 

“He’ll be okay,” Bill said. “I just don’t, you know, fully trust you dudes.” 

Evil Ted sighed and nodded with understanding, placing his fellow robot on the floor like anything aside from the utmost gentleness would shatter him. He gave Evil Bill a look, then, like separating even just to go to the other room was the hardest thing he’d ever done, and Bill wondered if his Ted looked at _him_ that way. 

Bill grabbed his toolkit with Evil Ted in tow, who was repeatedly asking if Bill could fix him and Bill always answered that he’ll try. The toolbox was a gift from his dad when he moved out, and he initially never expected to use it, but Bill and Ted had a knack for breaking stuff in their cluelessness. Plus the evil robots destroyed a lot of their stuff. 

“What’s in the backpack?” Bill asked Evil Ted when they made their way back to where Evil Bill was laying. 

“Food and clothes.” 

"Where did you get other clothes?" 

"We stole 'em," Evil Ted shrugged but a frown grew on his face when he saw Bill's exasperation. "What were we supposed to do? We don't have any money!" 

Bill didn't have a retort to that. "Couldn't De Nomolos help you out?" he wondered if they went back to him after their loss. 

"He sorta hates us," Evil Ted said. 

Bill hated the pity growing in him, but he didn't know they were so down on their luck. He assumed they were gone forever after their heads were thrown away, and that if they _did_ come back that De Nomolos would take care of them. 

But they _deserved_ to be on the streets. Maybe Bill didn't really believe that because they looked so much like their human counterparts, his instinctual feelings coming forward when he saw that sad look in a certain brown-haired boy's eyes. 

Bill kneeled by Evil Bill, and muttered a thanks when Evil Ted opened his stomach so Bill could start looking for the problem. It was unsettling to see essentially yourself being opened like it was nothing. 

“Where’s my totally good human counterpart?” Evil Ted must have finally noticed Ted’s absence. 

“Pretzels ‘N’ Cheese,” Bill poked through Evil Bill’s parts. The robots were designed like humans, metal bones, wires instead of veins, even a pulsating heart that acted as an energy source. Bill found the protective ribs could be screwed off and began doing so. 

“Still working there?” Evil Ted asked. “We thought you guys had gotten famous or something.” 

Bill shook his head. “Nah, but that’s okay. We’re fine the way we are.” 

Evil Ted rolled his eyes. “You can fix Evil Bill, right? You’re not just messing with me?” 

“Just like I said before, dude, I’ll try,” Bill began to open the heart very carefully. 

"How do you know how to do this stuff?" Evil Ted kept his eyes trained on Bill's hands as they carefully worked at the robot's mechanical heart. "I thought you would call those two alien dudes or something." 

"I went to robot camp when I was a kid." Bill stopped going to the summer camps because he didn't like being apart from Ted for that long, but his dad continued to buy him little robot building kits. He wasn't an expert, but he had a knack for it. 

Evil Ted busted out a laugh. "Nerd!" 

Bill pushed down the easy retort that his 'nerdy' hobby was saving Evil Ted's best friend, and instead concentrated as he closed the heart back up and put the ribs back in place. 

Evil Ted looked excited as electricity started humming properly through Evil Bill's wires. The rest of the ‘organs’ looked to be working properly as well. A few problems here and there, but Bill fixed them up pretty quick. 

"Done," Bill closed up Evil Bill's chest. His body had stopped twitching and he looked more relaxed, like a human sleeping instead of a robot. 

"He'll be okay?" Evil Ted earnestly examined Evil Bill with his eyes. "For real?" 

"Yeah," Bill stood up. 

What Evil Ted did was the second most shocking thing Bill experienced that day, and nearly caught him more off guard than when he opened the door earlier. 

Evil Ted wrapped Bill in a tight hug, just barely squeezing the life out of him, and whispered a thank you. 

Hugs from Ted weren't uncommon, but they didn't happen enough, and Bill ignored the oddness of it all as he lightly hugged Evil Ted back. 

Evil Ted didn't seem to feel the awkwardness that Bill did when he pulled back, a wide smile on his face as he reached down to put on the backpack and carry Evil Bill to wherever the two stayed. 

If future Bill had come to present Bill just a day ago and told him what he was about to do, he probably wouldn't have believed himself. 

"Wait," Bill said. "You should stay here." 

Evil Ted was taken aback. "Are you sure?" He looked down at the floor. "I totally get it if you want us out." 

Bill should say get out. He should tell them to leave and maybe give them some extra clothes, a bigger bag, and a little bit of cash, but he couldn't stomach the idea of putting them back out of the street.

“Yeah,” Bill said. “I’ll have to talk to Ted when he gets home, but maybe you can crash here for a while.” 

Evil Ted’s eyes were wide as he gently lay Evil Bill down on the sofa and put his backpack back down. It worried Bill to have the evil robot versions around, but Evil Bill had actually been broken, and that gave him enough reason to trust them for now. 

“Is there anything you need? Do you guys shower?” 

Evil Ted shook his head to both. 

“Okay,” Bill said. “Ted won’t be back for another seven hours, so we can just chill until then, dude.” This was weird. 

Evil Ted blinked. “When will Evil Bill wake up?” 

Bill scratched at the back of his neck. “I’m not sure. Could be two hours. Could be two days.” 

“Two _days_?” Evil Ted looked absolutely distraught. 

“Or not! I was just making an example!” 

Evil Ted calmed down a little after the reassurance. Bill hoped it didn’t take Evil Bill two days to wake up, if only because it would make Evil Ted upset. The robot started pacing around the apartment and Bill followed him carefully, wary it could all be a trick.

"Where are the babes?" Evil Ted pointed at a picture of the princesses. 

"They left," Bill said. 

It was a few days after Battle of the Bands.

_"We know it wasn't your fault. . ."_

_". . . but it was a lot. . ."_

_". . . we still love you. . ."_

_". . . but it's not going to work anymore."_

Bill and Ted understood and were just happy they were all still on good terms. Bill was actually relieved, though he didn't say it. He had been feeling weird about his relationship with Joanna and being friends with her was so much better. He was more relaxed around her now, feeling more loose and able to joke around and talk. Ted, on the other hand, seemed pretty beat up about it, but he was back to his normal self after a few days. They all still hung out often, usually going to the mall, and the princesses stayed in the band. 

Evil Ted turned his head towards Bill. "Cuz of us?" 

"Sorta," Bill said. It was more than that, but the whole 'evil murdering robot' thing was definitely the breaking point. 

“Huh,” Evil Ted flopped himself down by Evil Bill’s feet on the couch. “Well, good riddance to the ol’ ball and chain, right?” He picked up the remote. 

“ _Hey_!” Bill swiped the remote out of Evil Ted’s hands. “If you’re gonna stay here, you can’t stay stuff like that.” 

Evil Ted put his hands up in a peaceful gesture, although Bill speculated it could be mocking. “That’s fair, duder. Now can I _please_ pick something to watch? We’ve hadn’t gotten to watch anything good for weeks.” 

Bill hesitantly handed the remote back to the robot and sat himself on the couch armrest, crossing his arms over his chest. “Where have you been staying?” 

“Motel rooms,” Evil Ted settled on MTV, which Bill was thankful for. “Empty house here and there. We slept by a dumpster for three days.” 

Bill didn’t say anything after that, letting Evil Ted relax without any more grilling. He couldn't believe he was feeling pity for the two people who murdered him and Ted, but he guessed it wasn't the most bogus thing he'd been through. 

\-----

Evil Bill woke up sluggishly, shifting upwards like he hadn’t moved in decades. It had been five hours, and Evil Ted stopped pawing through records to rush over to Evil Bill's side. Ted's shift didn't get over for another two hours, and Bill had been hoping he would get home before Evil Bill woke up. He stayed over by the records, picking at the edge of a Van Halen CD. 

The last few hours hadn't been bad. Evil Ted was actually a lot like the real Ted, only more crass and got way more heated when talking about music. 

Evil Ted muttered an update of what happened to Evil Bill, who immediately twisted around to look at Bill with such vitriolic hatred that Bill dropped his CD. 

" _You_!" Evil Bill leapt at Bill and tackled him into the shelves. Bill pushed him back and steadied the shelf, wincing when a cassette fell off from the top and bonked him in the head. Evil Bill pulled the front of Bill's shirt, sending the two onto the floor with the robot on top. "I'm gonna kill you!" 

"Wait!" Bill and Evil Ted shouted at the same time. 

Evil Ted pulled Evil Bill up by the back of his shirt, holding him back while he tried to go at Bill again, who was scurrying away to stand closer to the door. He should call Ted to not come home and stay far, far away from this mess. Or maybe he should go Pretzels 'N' Cheese himself. Could he outrun robots all the way to the mall? 

"Evil Bill, I know that's what we _should_ do," Evil Ted said. 

" _No_!" Bill said to essentially no one. 

"And what we _want_ to do," Evil Ted said as Evil Bill nodded. 

"Heinous," Bill muttered. 

"But we can't," Evil Ted finished to a relieved sigh from Bill. "Bill helped us." 

Something changed in Evil Bill's eyes. "He did?" 

"And he's letting us stay." 

"That's not official!" Bill said. 

The robots continued to ignore him. 

"Evil Ted, we can't stay here!" Evil Bill said. 

"Why not?" Evil Ted cocked his head to the side. Human Ted did the same thing when he didn't understand something, like an earnest Labrador. “We don’t have anywhere else, and they won’t hurt us, Evil Bill.” 

Evil Bill shoved himself away from Evil Ted, and went to grab their backpack. “No, we’re leaving.” 

There was something familiar in his movements, the nervous energy that resulted in a hurried demeanor. Bill took upon it himself to push aside his worries and try to help. He paced forward to his evil counterpart, trying to will his hands to stop visibly shaking by telling himself that Evil Ted would defend him if he lashed out. 

“Evil dude?” he hoped he was standing straight against Evil Bill’s strong scowl. It was weird how they were the exact same height yet he felt so much shorter. “I know you’re worried-” 

“I’m not _worried_!” Evil Bill shoved Bill back and went towards the door, backpack slung over his shoulder. “Just don’t want to spend time around you dweebs, and since Evil Ted won’t let me exterminate you, we’re leaving.” 

Evil Ted gave a shrug to Bill, and followed with his head hung low. Bill knew the look on human Ted. It was the one he had when he didn’t like what was happening, but didn’t feel like he could do anything about it. 

“If you’re gonna leave,” Bill said, “At least take a few things?” 

He didn’t want them on the street, but he doubted he could convince Evil Bill, so the least he could do was give them some money and clothes. 

Evil Bill turned back towards Bill. “Fine,” he said. “But don’t think that will make us spare you next time we meet, duder.” 

Bill nodded and went off to find a duffel bag in the bedroom that they could take. As he was putting some extra pairs of clothes in it, he heard the two robots talking. 

“Evil Bill, why can’t we stay here? They have t.v. and music and it’s warm.” 

“Because they’re lame.” 

“They’re _nice_.” 

“That’s what makes them lame, duder.” 

“Yeah, but it also means they won’t do anything to us. We can relax for a few days, kick back, and they’ll take care of us until we leave.” 

Bill rolled his eyes at the idea of Bill and Ted acting as the robots’ maids. He zipped up the bag and brought it out to find the two mulling around the door. “I packed you some extra-” 

“We’ll stay,” Evil Bill said. He threw his backpack on the floor, and casually went to sit on the couch like he owned the place. 

“Huh?” Bill hadn’t expected him to change his mind. 

“You heard him. We’re staying!” Evil Ted hopped onto the couch. Evil Bill threw his arm across the backside, and Evil Ted scooted in a little closer. 

“Grab us a soda, why don’t you?” Evil Bill turned on the t.v. while Evil Ted snickered.

Bill rushed over to them to snatch the remote, feeling a little like a parent taking something from a kid, and stood in front of the t.v. as the two robots tried to look around him. “There’s going to be rules if you’re staying here.” 

“ _Boring_ ,” Evil Bill crossed his arms. “Thought you were supposed to be super chill, dude?” 

Bill sighed, seriously regretting his offer to let them stay with every passing second. "You have to be nice. Especially to Ted."

"Why especially?" Evil Ted gave a toothy smirk. 

Evil Ted had gotten much worse since Evil Bill woke up. 

"Yeah, Bill," Evil Bill said. "Don't want your boyfriend to get hurt?" 

The tease had left an awkward vibe in the air. Bill went wide-eyed and Evil Ted stopped smirking. Even Evil Bill seemed regretful, looking away as his smile fell. 

It wasn't the first time him and Ted were insinuated to be together as an insult, but it felt weird coming from, well, himself. Made the cut deeper, more personal. 

Bill knew he had feelings for Ted that were on the more-than-friends side of things. He didn't fully realize until the princesses left, but it had always been there. He shoved it down as best he could. It wasn't right to have a crush on Ted, and fully acknowledging it would only make things worse. 

"You can't say stuff like that," Bill muttered out. The robots rolled their eyes, and it made him want to remind them that _they_ came to _him_ , the least they could do was listen. "And you can't destroy anything. You have to pick up after yourselves." 

"You don't even do that!" Evil Bill gestured his arms to signal the entire living room. It _was_ a mess, and a bit hypocritical of Bill to make that a rule, but he didn't want the apartment to look like how it did after the robots had their original run with it. 

"How about you help me clean then?" Bill put the offer out as a way to get them working together, and also to see if they would help out. If they were willing to put aside their indifference, then maybe the whole arrangement would work out. 

Evil Bill and Evil Ted looked at each other like Bill was ridiculous before agreeing. 

Bill put on a record while they cleaned. Although the robots didn't help much. They mostly lulled around, occasionally throwing something away or handing things to Bill. Evil Bill stood in front of the t.v. almost the whole time, trying to look busy if Bill looked his way. 

It took longer than Bill thought it would, and when they were done he anxiously looked at the clock to see that Ted would be done in only a half hour. 

He sat beside Evil Ted, who was not very sneakily staring at Evil Bill rather than the music video playing on MTV. 

Bill was scared that Ted would come home and be mad at him. Even though he had never been mad at anyone before, not even his dad who deserved every ounce of anger ever directed at him. The prickly fear reared its ugly head often, telling Bill he always made the wrong decision and that Ted would hate him over it. 

He absorbed himself in the video. It was all he could do right now. Besides wait. 

\-----

Bill sprung off the couch when he heard the door being unlocked, but the robots made it to the door before him. 

Evil Ted hid behind the door as Evil Bill opened it. 

"Guess who?" Evil Bill asked. 

"It's us!" Evil Ted jumped out. "Back from the grave, duder!" 

"Uh. . ." Ted took a step back, fear starting to really set in his eyes. 

"Ted!" Bill pushed his way past his robot counterpart. "It's okay." 

"Bill?" Ted kept a wary eye on the two robots, who were smiling in a way that Bill couldn't tell if it was supposed to be comforting or threatening. "What's happening?" 

Bill was going to explain, but Evil Bill wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pinched his cheek. "Your best buddy, Bill here -" 

" _Really_ great dude, by the way," Evil Ted nudged Ted's side. 

"- Is _totally_ letting us crash here indefinitely." 

Bill pushed himself out of Evil Bill's arm. Ted's whole face was white as a sheet, and he stood paralyzingly still. He had only been here for less than a minute, and the robots were already doing their damage. Bill _really_ should have called Ted at work. 

He gave the robots a mean look as he brought Ted out to the balcony and shut the door. "I'm sorry, Ted," he said. "They just showed up and I felt bad. Evil Bill was totally conked out and I needed to fix him up. Evil Ted told me they're homeless, so I offered to let them stay. Only if it's okay with you!"

Ted picked at the edge of his sleeve. “What if it’s a trick?” 

Bill had been thinking that all day. “We’ll keep an eye on them,” he said. 

Ted mulled over it for a bit. "Dude," Ted whispered to Bill. "I totally trust your most reasonable judgement on things, but I'm a little nervous about having the evil robot versions of us around." 

"I know, Ted," Bill said. "I am too, but I think it will be fine. If they do anything heinous, we can just call Rufus or Station or somebody." 

It wasn't the best plan, Station was back in Heaven and Rufus had a lot of future stuff to do, but it was what Bill could come up with. Besides, it seemed to quell Ted’s worries just a bit. 

Ted whispered out an okay and Bill felt that protectiveness wash over him. He led Ted back in, swearing to himself that he would kick out the robots if they did anything to Ted. 

Evil Bill and Ted were standing right in front of the door, leaving almost no room for Bill and Ted to step a foot inside. Ted closed the door and hovered behind Bill. 

"Listen up, robot dudes," Bill said. "Ted and I have decided to let you stay." 

Evil Bill tilted his head. "What's the catch?" 

"No catch. Just don't do anything bogus." 

"Where are we supposed to sleep?" 

"The couch," Bill shrugged. It wasn't the _worst_ place to sleep. "I'll get you guys some blankets." 

Bill went to the bedroom and Ted stayed behind. Having the two robots with them didn't have to be too bad, Bill thought. They _could_ get jobs, maybe even help pay the rent that they were two months behind on. Even just having them to help clean up a little bit would be nice, although Bill wasn't sure how much they would be willing to do with how they 'helped' earlier. 

After grabbing a few extra blankets and two pillows, Bill helped set up the couch for them to sleep on. Evil Bill moved everything around only a little bit, as if he was happy with the arrangement but didn’t want things exactly how Bill made them. 

“Frozen pizza for any dude?” Bill asked when he was done. Everyone nodded, and Evil Bill flopped onto the couch while Ted went to look at the records. Evil Ted actually followed Bill into the kitchen, breathing down his neck as Bill got the pizza ready. 

“Thanks for letting us stay,” Evil Ted said. He backed up a little as Bill preheated the oven. 

“It’s no problem, Evil Ted,” Bill said. 

“As much as you guys are totally annoying,” Evil Ted looked away from Bill’s scowl. “I would much rather be here with you than outside.” 

“Happy to help, dude.” 

Evil Ted got quieter. “Thanks for fixing Evil Bill. I was really stressed when he started breaking down. He’s like my whole world.” 

The confession sent a weird feeling down Bill’s spine, and he didn’t say anything as Evil Ted gave him a smile before joining the rest of them in the living room. 

Bill wondered if he was Ted’s whole world. He wished he was, Ted felt like _his_ , but that affection was coated in a lot of shame. It just felt wrong to feel that way about a guy. Shouldn’t he have felt this way about Joanna? Bill shook off the thoughts. Maybe he could talk to Evil Ted about it later, surely the robot just misspoke. Or maybe Bill should reconsider some things. Either way, he didn’t want to think about it anymore. 

Bill put the pizza in, after he and Ted got into an argument with the robots over their music tastes while waiting for the oven to preheat, Bill and Ted preferring softer rock while the robots liked heavy metal. When the food was done, they all got a plate and sat on the couch, robots sitting in the middle. 

Ted went to play the VHS that was in, but Evil Bill stopped him. “What’s in there? I wanna watch something violent!” 

“Yeah!” Evil Ted said. “Motel televisions are totally PG.” 

Ted frowned. “It’s Star Trek. Bill and I have been watching it every night.” 

Evil Bill cupped his hands around his mouth to boo Ted. 

“Hey, come on,” Bill reached over Evil Ted to smack his robot counterpart, trying to hide his wince when he made contact with metal. “Just one episode. Then you can watch whatever you want.” 

The robot begrudgingly agreed, and when the show started Bill could see him trying to hide his enjoyment. 

Evil Bill and Ted did get to watch what they wanted, after Bill and Ted went to their bedroom to try and sleep. They could hear the screams and sounds of gore from whatever they had chosen, and Bill wanted to reach out to hold Ted as he rolled around in bed, wondering if either of them would get nightmares. He tried to block out the thoughts of cuddling with Ted. Sleep would take him soon, he hoped. 

\-----

Every Saturday morning, Bill got up to make pancakes for him and Ted to eat while they watched cartoons. Bill usually woke up after Ted, but he always tried to get up earlier on Saturdays. It was a long held tradition, and Bill wasn’t going to let his nervousness towards the robots break it. 

He shuffled out to the kitchen, passing an awake Evil Bill sitting next to Evil Ted, who was still asleep with his long limbs dangling over the edge of the couch. The t.v. was on, but Evil Bill's eyes were on the floor, arms crossed over his chest, and he didn't acknowledge Bill. 

Bill used to make pancakes from the box, but a few months ago they ran out of mix and he made it homemade. Ted told him it was the best pancakes he ever had, which Bill didn't think was entirely true because Ted had eaten professionally made restaurant pancakes before, but he kept making them from scratch after that. 

He made plates for him and Ted, drizzling syrup over the small stacks, and left the bottle out with the extra pancakes he made for the robots. 

"There's breakfast in the kitchen, robot dude," he told Evil Bill as he passed him on the way to the bedroom. The robot gave him a quick glance. 

Part of the reason Saturdays were special was because Bill got to hold the plate of fresh pancakes in front of Ted's face, and the smell combined with Bill's whispers to wake up always got him to open his eyes. 

"Morning, dude," Bill said as Ted yawned. He smiled up at Bill and stretched before grabbing his plate and heading to the couch. 

Evil Bill, who didn't get his own breakfast, scooted over on the couch with the arrival of Bill and Ted. He pushed aside Evil Ted's legs a bit to make room, and Bill smiled at the kindness, even though there still wasn't enough space for them all to sit. Bill let Ted sit on the couch, and he took the armrest for himself. Evil Ted made a muffled noise at the new company, but didn't wake up. Bill tried not to stare, but Ted always looked most tranquil while he was asleep, and since he was on the armrest and above everyone’s head, he could see his robot counterpart perfectly. Ted flipped through to find the cartoons. 

Evil Ted woke up about five minutes later, when all three of them laughed so much at the show that the couch shook. He didn't get up, just kept his eyes open and giggled occasionally. Evil Bill leaned over to whisper something, and then he got up, returning from the kitchen with a plate of pancakes. It seemed to be for himself, but every few bites he took he passed it over to Evil Ted, who would groggily eat a few pieces before letting Evil Bill have the plate again. 

It was a nicer morning than Bill would have expected, and he liked the closeness of them all seated on the couch together. It gave him a lot of hope, like this whole thing could work and it wasn’t a mistake. 

When their shows got over, Bill collected the plates and went to do the dishes. Evil Bill trailed behind, leaving the Teds to flip through channels. 

“Can you please put the syrup away, dude?” Bill put the dishes in the sink and started running the water. 

“Why can’t you?” 

Bill gestured his head at the sink, he was a little busy, and Evil Bill begrudgingly put the syrup away. He cracked open a soda from the fridge while Bill washed the plates, and picked at the tab on the can after taking a sip. “You’re really just letting us stay?” 

“Yeah, dude,” Bill found it kind of adorable that both him and Evil Ted only got serious in secret kitchen talks. 

“You better not try anything,” Evil Bill downed the rest of his soda and violently threw it into the trash.

“We won’t, dude,” Bill focused on drying the dishes. He didn’t like the nervousness that settled in his stomach as Evil Bill left the kitchen. After dishes was normally when him and Ted would rock out before trying to write some songs, but Bill bet the robots were gonna change a lot with their stay. He did hear Poison coming out from the living room though, maybe some things would stay normal after all. 

Bill dried his hands and found Ted and Evil Ted dancing to the music while Evil Bill watched slouched on the couch. 

Bill nudged his shoulder. “Come on, robot dude.” 

Evil Bill looked at Ted and Evil Ted some more before grumbling something Bill couldn’t make out and heading to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Evil Ted stopped and stared at the door, eventually realizing that Bill and Ted were looking at him for answers. 

Evil Ted shrugged. “He’s adjusting.” 

\-----

The ride to the grocery store was hell. The evil robots wanted to sit up front, and of course Bill refused because last time they did they drove them out to the desert to _murder them_. 

“I still don’t get why we had to come with,” Evil Bill grumbled in the back, after mocking Bill and Ted from that previous doomed drive, whining about _how cold_ it is. Evil Ted giggled like it was the funniest thing in the world, and Bill would have been irritated if not for the fact that he sounded just like, well, Ted, and Ted’s laugh was the best laugh in the world. 

“We don’t trust you dudes in the apartment alone yet.” Bill didn’t add the part where he had tried to keep the robots inside for as long as possible, afraid of what havoc they meant wreak if let loose (who knows what they did before they came to the apartment, at least they weren't in the news), but it had been just over a week and they were running dangerously low on food. 

“Why not? We’re staying there too,” Evil Ted asked. “Why would we do anything?” 

“You destroyed the place last time you were staying there,” Bill shot out before being able to pull himself back. He was trying not to bring up the whole thing. 

Of course Evil Bill latched onto it. “It was _one time_.” 

Bill swung his head around. “You _murdered us_ , you evil metal dickweed!” 

“Want me to do it again, lesser developed human prototype?” 

Bill saw red and let go of the wheel to grab for Evil Bill, who leaned out of reach and laughed. Ted pulled Bill back while also swerving them back into the proper lane. “Bill, the road!” 

Bill quickly grabbed the wheel again, steadying the van and releasing his foot a bit on the pedal. He hadn’t even realized he was speeding. He glanced in the rear-view mirror to see Evil Bill looking at Evil Ted and circling his finger around his ear, mouthing that Bill was crazy, and Evil Ted covered his mouth so he didn’t laugh aloud. Bill gripped the wheel tighter, slouching over, and looked at Ted. 

Ted blinked at Bill, and a wave of guilt crashed over him. _How_ had he let the robot bother him that much? 

“Maybe I should drive next time,” Ted offered with a small smile. Bill huffed in amusement and agreed. 

He was finally starting to cool down when Evil Bill poked his head in between the front seats and started going through radio stations with a mutter that he hated the song that had been playing. After skipping a bunch, he stopped and went for the CD case, which was rested down by Ted’s feet. 

“Evil dude, it doesn’t matter, we’re here,” Bill said as Evil Bill practically crawled over Ted’s legs to reach it, knees on the compartment between the front seats. Ted was sitting up straighter, keeping his hands to himself and boggling at his lap.

“Huh?” Evil Bill looked out the window, propping himself up on Ted’s legs instead of going back to in between the seats. Bill sorta wanted to smack him away, hating how someone else’s hands were on Ted, but they were also kinda like _his_ hands, and confusion broiled in his gut. He wished he could touch Ted in the lax way that Evil Bill did with both of them. His affection disguised as playful touching didn’t go unnoticed to Bill. “Dude, we can’t go here.” 

“Why not?” Bill knew the robots must have caused trouble. 

“We stole food from here,” Evil Ted said. 

“And clothes,” Evil Bill finally did step back to talk easier to Bill, and because he grabbed the CDs, standing behind Ted’s seat with his arm resting on the back, fingers just barely grazing his shoulder. Evil Ted had stood up too, hunched right behind Evil Bill, so close that they were nearly touching as well. 

“We totally got caught.” 

Bill sighed and pulled out of the parking lot while Evil Bill started laughing about how he pushed a guy into a toilet paper shelf and Evil Ted snickered at the memory. They started going through the CDs, and Evil Bill leaned forward to put in what ended being Megadeth. He turned up the volume and the robots started rocking out in the back of the van while Bill made his way to another store. 

They ended up going only a few blocks away to someplace that was more expensive than Bill wanted, boasting that it sold a little bit of everything, but he would have to settle. He navigated the shelves with Ted, reading off his list and looking at the aisle labels while the robots dicked around. Bill finally understood why those parents with crying kids look so frazzled, he felt like he had to get everything while also keeping an eye on two people who wouldn’t stop pushing each other. Although, two robot clones capable of mass destruction weren’t exactly the same as a fussy baby. One difference being that Bill didn’t _have_ to watch them, he could let them be until it was time to go, but he felt a weird responsibility to keep after them. Maybe it was because they acted like toddlers. 

Bill and Ted were trying to find the specific brand of peanut butter they liked while the robots rough-housed behind them. Evil Bill side-slammed himself into Evil Ted, causing him to knock into a guy who nearly dropped his basket. “Watch it, worm,” Evil Ted said. 

The man, who was previously walking away with a glare, turned to Evil Ted. “Excuse me? _You_ bumped into _me_.” 

“That’s not how I remember it,” Evil Ted said with a wide, toothy grin. 

“Are you kidding me?” 

Bill went over when he heard the conflict, giving Ted a signal to stay back. They already lost one grocery store because of those two. “What are you guys doing?” Bill grabbed onto their arms to pull them away. The robots gave the guy the middle finger while they were dragged away, and Bill prayed a fight didn’t break out. He knew the robots wouldn’t prevent it from happening. Luckily, the guy only scoffed and walked away, muttering about disrespectful teens under his breath. He let go of the robots and pushed them forward. “You can’t do stuff like that!” 

“Why not?” Evil Ted crossed his arms. Ted behind him showed off that he had finally found the peanut butter, and Bill gave him a thumbs-up before quickly returning to a frown for the robots. 

“Because you did bump into him!” 

Evil Bill laughed. “Yeah, and did you see his face?” 

“He was totally shocked, duder,” Evil Ted imitated the guy when he nearly dropped his basket and the two busted out into hysterics. 

“So why didn’t you apologize?” Bill was never going to understand the robots. Neither was Ted, judging from his confused look. 

“What’s the fun in that?” Evil Ted asked. 

“Not getting random strangers mad at you.” 

The robots scoffed. 

“We’re gonna go look at other stuff,” Evil Bill said. “Then you don’t have to worry about the scary strangers we might bump into.” 

“That's not-”

“Stop babysitting us," Evil Bill said. 

Bill was going to say he wasn’t, but he kinda was, so he kept silent as the two walked away to stir up whatever trouble they wanted. They weren't his responsibility, not really. 

Bill and Ted continued their shopping, moving on to pick out cereals. Ted reached over Bill’s head to grab a box of Froot Loops. 

“Bill, dude,” Ted put the cereal in the cart. “Are you alright with the robots? You’re usually totally conscious of road safety laws, and you seem most exhausted.” 

Bill stopped browsing the shelves and turned to Ted. “I’m mostly okay with them, Ted. They just get to me sometimes. Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Ted shrugged. “I was nervous at first, but they’re not all bad.” 

“Sometimes they make me think they _are_ all bad. I guess they are literal evil dudes, though.” 

“I don’t think they’re evil.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, they’re like us, just programmed differently. Being jerks is all they know.” 

"Ted, dude, you are most insightful," Bill loved the way Ted's head worked. He always saw the good in everyone, giving anyone a chance even if they didn't deserve it. 

They went down each aisle, crossing items off their list. Ted walked in front of the cart while Bill pushed it, and he was a little embarrassed by how he kept staring at Ted's backside. He always found himself doing it when Ted wasn't facing him, able to check him out without being obvious. The curve of his back, the way his feet barely touched the ground in the bouncy way he walked, and yeah Bill was also darting his gaze at Ted’s ass, he wasn’t proud of it. Shame always bubbled it’s way up in Bill’s chest in the way it never did when he had been with Joanna. Then again, he wasn’t like this with Joanna. Bill had begged his brain to work this way with her, but it never did. 

Ted put a case of Pepsi in the cart, and Bill crossed soda off of the list. Last item. 

"Let's go find those evil robot usses, dude," Bill told Ted, crumpling the list up to shove it in his pocket. They initially went down all the food aisles again, thinking that they were trying to hoard a bunch of snacks, but they weren't around. The next logical area was the video games or maybe even the toy aisles, but they didn't find the robots there either. 

They were instead in the bedding area, which was the last place Bill and Ted thought to check. But there they were, grabbing so many blankets and pillows that they were having trouble carrying them all. 

“Uh, dudes?” Bill watched stunned as the robots stumbled over to the cart and threw everything in, blankets spilling over the edge. 

"It's for the couch!" Evil Ted said. Bill didn't know if they needed _that_ much, but he always had a hard time saying no to Ted, and the evil robot version of him looked so excited. 

"Ah, okay," Bill scratched at the back of his neck. 

The groceries and blankets came to over a hundred dollars, which almost gave Bill a heart attack. He would have to pick up a few extra shifts at Pretzels 'N' Cheese this week. The thought that Evil Bill could work in his place came, but the second it popped in Bill's head he immediately knew that was an absolutely terrible idea. Evil Bill would get him fired, and that was probably the least worst thing he could do. 

The robots threw their stuff in the back of the van along with the groceries, and situated a blanket for them to sit on. Evil Ted’s eyes sparkled as he told Bill, “Now it’s more cozy for when we sit back here.” 

The robots sat shoulder to shoulder on the ride back, Evil Bill trying to convince Bill that Axl Rose was dead (Bill didn’t believe him, but what if he wasn't lying? It had to be a trick, right? He couldn’t be dead, _right_?). Evil Ted craned his neck to look out the window as Ted passed a McDonald’s. “Dudes! Can we take a most delicious detour to McDonald’s?” 

“We just got a bunch of food, Evil Ted,” Bill said. 

"But you didn't get Big Macs," Evil Ted made a valid point. 

"Or those totally crispy, salty, golden fries," Evil Bill knew what he was doing, enunciating every syllable in the adjectives. He smirked as the Teds both sighed at the thought. 

Bill couldn't deny it now, he also wanted some delectable fast food. "Let’s go, dudes."

Ted did an illegal u-turn to get back to the McDonald's they passed. The Teds each got a Big Mac meal while the Bills got nuggets, although the Bills did give their respective Ted some of their food. They ate on the way home, Bill feeding Ted his fries while he drove, and staked out in the parking lot for a little while they finished. 

Ted laughed as he bit into his burger. "Bill, remember when your dad gave me McDonald's for the first time, and I totally ate too much and threw up at home?" 

The memory gave Bill a pleasant twinge. "Your dad was so pissed, dude." That was back in eighth grade, and Bill's dad had hung up the phone on an enraged Captain Logan, meaning Bill took the brunt of his anger when he showed up at the Logan household the next day. It was totally worth it, according to Ted, and they laughed about it quietly in Ted’s room, making jokes about Captain Logan. The mere mention of McDonald’s made them giggle to themselves for a long while afterwards. 

Evil Ted nudged Evil Bill. "Remember when we stole some of De Nomolos' dinner?"

Evil Bill chuckled. "He got all red and made us do nonstop work for a week." 

"Joke was on him when he put us on cooking duty," Evil Ted said. 

"He couldn't get off the toilet for three days!" Evil Bill curled up on himself while he laughed, clutching his stomach. 

"Then he totally shut us off for a whole day." 

"Yeah, then that bogus story about how he was gonna dismantle us?" 

" _Most_ bogus!" 

Bill and Ted raised their eyebrows at each other. None of that was funny, it was _sad_. It was like how Ted said, they don’t know anything outside of the cold clutch of De Nomolos, and their time in San Dimas was spent fending for themselves instead of enjoying the hot sun or cool Circle K slushies. 

Ted told his own story about the time his dad had grounded him for nearly a month because he snuck out at night to go to a concert with Bill, and the robots both laughed along with him. Evil Bill told Ted that maybe he wasn’t such a dweeb after all (which was probably the best compliment anyone could get out of him). 

They left the empty wrappers in the van, Bill lying to himself that he would clean it out later, and hauled in the groceries and blankets. Ted offered to put away the food, so Bill went to take a shower. He stared at the water swirling down the drain, wanting to lay in bed and relax. 

Showers were the worst when it came to Bill’s Ted thoughts. He had no distractions, nothing stopping him from imagining all the ways he loved Ted, _and wanted Ted_. It was when he washed his body that he thought of all the parts of Ted he hadn’t seen, and when he washed his hair that he imagined it was Ted’s hands running shampoo through his curls. That always led to him wondering how he had gotten so twisted up about his best friend. Why couldn’t he be normal, find a babe to fill up his thoughts? 

Bill shut off the water before he started mentally berating himself too hard. He quickly dried off, and threw on boxers with a beat-up white tee, leaving the fogged-up bathroom and making a beeline for the bedroom, only to immediately stop at the sight of the living room. The robots had used the blankets and pillows to build a fort on the couch, a blanket draped over the top like a roof along with blankets to act like walls, plus two in the front that were essentially curtains and looked like they could open or shut somehow. There was even a little tunnel that led to a mini pillow fort on the floor. It looked totally triumphant, actually. 

“How did you set this up so fast?” Bill asked. 

“Robots are more efficient than humans,” Evil Bill said from behind Bill, who jumped because he assumed the robots were both in the fort. More efficient was right though. Bill didn’t even want to try to figure out how they managed to get it up. 

Evil Bill was holding a handful of snacks and Evil Ted pushed aside a blanket to let Evil Bill in. They didn’t say anything more, only shut the curtain and whispered while one of them opened a chip bag. 

Bill shrugged it off. He couldn’t blame them for wanting privacy. 

He went into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. "Did you see the blanket fort, dude?" Bill asked Ted, who was laying in bed on his side and reading a comic. He was also wearing boxers, and Bill's gaze traveled up Ted's legs before he forced his eyes away. 

"Yeah, it's architecture is most intricate," Ted flipped a page in his comic. 

Bill nodded and put himself under his covers. “I’m gonna take some extra shifts at Pretzels ‘N’ Cheese this week.” 

“Alright, dude.” 

“You’ll be okay with the robots?” 

“Mhm! If there’s any problems, I’ll just ring you up, dude.” 

“I’ll be over here like that,” Bill snapped his fingers. 

Ted peeked over his comic at Bill. “Thanks, dude.” 

Ted’s eyes were so beautiful. “I’m gonna sleep, dude,” Bill turned towards the wall, getting cozy with his arms under his pillow. He wouldn’t be sleeping for a long time, more like staring at the back of his eyelids while getting lost in his head. 

“I’ll turn the light off when I’m done with this issue,” Ted said. 

“Sounds excellent, my friend.” _Friend_. That’s what Ted was. Bill should get that through his thick skull. 

\-----

It was the first day of Bill working open to close all week, 10 AM to 10 PM, and Ted had taken the whole week off to keep watch of the robots. It was going to be a bogus next few days. 

It was six’o’clock, and Bill was really feeling drained. He rarely worked even eight hours a day, and he still had four more to go. The two people he would be closing with, Laura and Peter, had shown up a few minutes ago. They told him nobody usually comes around this time, so Bill went into the back to chill out. He had brought his Walkman and a mixtape of his favorite songs. 

He was about five songs in when Laura walked into the back. “Hey, you have a phone call.” 

It was probably Ted, although he said he would only call if there was an emergency. Bill was grateful for that, he felt like if Ted called just to talk then he would only want to get home quicker, closer to the voice that was like music. But if he was only calling for an emergency. . . Bill rushed to the phone, his brain racking up all the things the robots could have done. 

Peter was holding the phone and handed it over with wide-eyes as Bill ran towards him. He walked to the other side of the stand, giving Laura a shrug. 

“Hello?” Bill nearly yelled. 

“Hey, duder,” Ted said on the other end. He _sounded_ fine. Maybe it wasn’t _his_ Ted. 

“Evil Ted?” 

“Yeah, it’s me!” 

Bill sighed a breath of relief. Nothing heinous seemed to be going on. “Why are you calling, dude?” 

“I’m bored,” Evil Ted said. “Ted is trying to write some music and Evil Bill is totally sulking.” 

“Sulking?” 

“He’s sitting in the pillow fort, and he’s not talking,” Evil Ted’s voice was soft. “I wish I knew how to make him feel better.” 

“Evil Ted, I’m sure your most excellent company is enough to make him feel better,” that was how Ted worked with Bill anyway. 

“But how can my company make him feel better if he’s not talking to me?” 

That was a good question. One that, for once, Bill immediately knew the answer to. Ted’s company was always entirely outstanding, and it was normal to like spending time with your best friend, but Bill found himself wanting to spend every hour of every day with Ted, and that led to a whole lot of thoughts that Bill wasn’t very fond of having. Sometimes spending time with Ted was scary because it only made the thoughts worse, and so Bill had to push himself away. For everyone’s sake. Even if he couldn’t stay away for very long. And it can be hard to talk about your feelings, and sometimes it's easier to try to deal with it yourself than bother to attempt an explanation. Evil Bill was probably going through the same thing. 

Bill didn’t know how to tell Evil Ted that. Or if he should. He settled on, “It’s not because of you, Evil Ted. Soon he’ll feel better, and you’ll still be his totally bodacious best friend. Sometimes silent support is all you need.” 

“Oh, okay. I guess that makes sense.” 

“Yeah.” 

If Evil Bill came to Bill and said, ‘ _I’m in love with Evil Ted. What do I do?_ ’ What would Bill say? He wouldn’t tell him he was gross, wrong, or a fruit, even if that was what Bill called himself. But would he tell him to go for it? How could he, when he couldn’t even admit his feelings to himself? 

No, Bill didn’t have to think about it. Because Evil Bill wasn’t in love with Evil Ted, just like how Bill wasn’t in love with Ted. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t, it couldn’t be, and Bill would find a nice babe one day and all this would be in the past. Maybe in the future he could even joke about it. ‘ _Hey, Ted, when we were younger I totally thought I wanted to kiss you. Isn’t that funny?_ ’ and then they would laugh and laugh and - Bill wanted to cry. 

“Bill?” Evil Ted snapped Bill to the present. 

“Yeah?” 

“How do you know if you’re in love?” 

The question sent Bill into another frenzy. He looked behind him. Laura and Peter weren’t in sight. They must be in the backroom. There wasn’t anyone in the food court either, except a woman and kid eating all the way across the floor. Bill wondered if they would notice if he started sobbing. His throat was closing up, and the numbers on the dial pad were getting blurry. 

“Why are you asking, Evil Ted?” 

“It’s just,” Evil Ted took a pause. “Evil Bill is totally unrivaled. I know I haven’t had much experience being, uh, alive, but I can’t imagine anyone else making me feel the way he makes me feel.” 

Bill couldn’t face his problem like this. 

“Didn’t you love that princess? How did she make you feel?” 

Bill knew Evil Ted didn’t know how this was effecting Bill, so he couldn’t be mad at the robot. He was mad at himself, really, for falling for his best friend instead of being normal. 

Bill couldn’t tell the truth, because the truth was _no_ , he never loved Joanna. Not the way he should have, and he could never love her in that way, no matter how much he wanted to. He had to keep it to himself, but he felt himself splintering, and eventually all the lies holding him together will wither away. 

“I don’t know, Evil Ted,” Bill was drained. Much more than before. 

“Sometimes I feel like De Nomolos messed up my programming. Or maybe _I’m_ glitching.” 

Bill wasn’t a robot. He didn’t know what it was like to really glitch or be programmed wrong. Yet he knew exactly what Evil Ted was talking about. 

Evil Ted started to say something, but then there was a conversation on the other end, and suddenly Evil Bill was talking in Bill's ear. “You and Evil Ted playing a round of dream phone?” 

Bill actually thought that game looked kind of fun when he saw it, and then he had a weird dream that night where he was back in his childhood bedroom except everything was pastel, and he was wearing a crop top and thigh-length shorts, twirling a pink phone cord while a man who sounded like Ted sweet-talked him. 

Bill hung up the phone. 

\-----

Evil Ted called Bill during the rest of his week, and those calls weren’t as serious as the first one. They never talked about the first call, but they did talk about casual stuff like video games and music. 

When Bill went back to normal hours, he found that it actually didn't take long for the robots to make themselves at home. Being at the apartment most of the day, he found that they were getting along with Ted (mostly), and they also started a routine of having dinner and watching a show, which Bill was happy to be included in. Arguments were common though, mostly from Evil Bill being a stickler about things like not wanting to share the t.v. or wanting to play different music during the day. 

Bill had to admit to himself that he liked them all living together now that he was used to it. He never really felt a part of a family until Missy moved in, and now that he was out of the house and she married Ted's dad, it felt nice to be in a little family again. 

Bill wanted to make homemade dinner every night, but he wasn't a very good cook so they usually ended up with pizza, frozen or ordered-in. Which is why he called Missy to ask her how he could get better at cooking. She had always made the best dinners. 

"I could give you one of my cookbooks, Bill," Missy said. "I had it when I was little, so the recipes are pretty easy to follow." 

"Whoa, really?" Bill smiled. "That would be totally excellent!" 

"Yeah, when should I bring it over?" 

Bill was going to say anytime was fine, but then he remembered that she didn't know about the robots yet, and then like speaking of the devil, Evil Bill and Ted came trotting out of the kitchen. 

Smirks grew on their faces and Evil Bill practically leapt at Bill's back to start making moaning noises into the phone. Bill tried apologizing and walking away, but Evil Ted yanked the phone from him to say, "Bill's been drinking!"

Evil Bill laughed and went beside Evil Ted to continue his moaning while also blocking Bill from getting the phone back. 

"Oh, baby, keep going!" Evil Bill shouted as Evil Ted continued on about how drunk Bill was right now. 

"You guys are doing two different things!" Bill said as he finally jumped up and snatched the phone out of Evil Ted's hand. "Sorry, Missy," Bill said hurriedly before hanging up. He would explain later, after he got over the embarrassment. 

"That was Missy?" Evil Ted asked much too casually. 

"Did you tell her we say hi?" Evil Bill was also acting like they did nothing, much to Bill's annoyance. 

"No!" Bill said after recollecting himself. "She doesn't know you're here." 

Evil Bill gave him a look like he was offended, which Bill couldn’t understand. Evil Ted didn’t seem to care though. 

Ted came out of the bedroom. “I heard shouting,” he said. 

“I was calling Missy and they interrupted,” Bill said as Evil Bill and Ted nodded with pride. “Missy’s giving me one of her cookbooks.”

Ted gasped happily. “That’s stellar, Bill! You’re totally unrivaled in the kitchen!” 

“I’ve never really cooked before, Ted.”

"You totally have a cooking gene, though," Ted said. "You make the most excellent spaghetti." 

"Thanks, Ted," Bill blushed. 

"Do you have a cooking gene too, Evil Bill?" Evil Ted asked. 

"No way," Evil Bill scoffed. "That's a girl thing." 

"You shouldn't put yourself in a box, Evil Bill," Ted said. "It's totally okay to break out of the bogus gender stereotypes society places on us." 

Evil Bill scoffed. 

“I think I’m gonna run and see Missy,” Bill said during the pause in their conversation. “Anyone want to come with?” 

Evil Bill didn’t say anything, and Ted squirmed before giving a negative. It was understandable since she was living with Ted’s dad now. Evil Ted, however, did say he would go, so now the two were in the van on their way to Missy's.

Bill preferred Evil Ted’s company over Evil Bill’s. He could probably psychoanalyze himself over it, but he sticked with the chalked up reason of Evil Ted not being as much as a dickweed. 

“So you’re gonna start making dinner?” Evil Ted was bouncing his leg and gazing out the window. 

“Yeah.” 

“Like what, duder?” 

“I don’t know yet. We could all go to the store and pick out food for meals.” Missy had always brought Bill to go on grocery runs to pick up food that he wanted for dinners. It was something sweet she did that Bill wanted to do now. He knew Ted would appreciate it, maybe the robots would too. 

“I have no clue what’d I get,” Evil Ted said. “I’ve never had a real meal.” 

That was weird to hear coming from Ted’s mouth, since human Ted grew up with full dinners every night. Bill could sympathize with Evil Ted, since he had grown up with microwave dinners and frozen pizzas, not having a full meal until he was in high school. Missy had given Bill that first real dinner, and Bill felt a little thrill at giving the experience to someone else. 

“We can look through the cookbook together,” Bill would shoot Evil Ted a smile if he wasn’t still staring out the window. “Pick out a meal.” 

“Yeah!” Evil Ted seemed excited at the idea. He gave out a laugh, “I bet Evil Bill’s gonna pick something real complicated, just to give you a challenge.” 

Evil Bill was still a little distant, keeping mostly to himself whenever the other three did something. He only seemed to be happy when he was with Evil Ted, Bill always hearing them giggling whenever they were in the fort or in a room by themselves. 

Bill and Evil Ted didn’t talk the rest of the drive. Bill wanted to ask if he was still feeling the same about Evil Bill, but he knew Evil Ted would say yes, and then Bill would spiral down again. 

When they pulled up Bill realized he hadn’t been over to the Logan household in a long while, and the rose bushes Missy had planted a while ago had bloomed into flowers. He rang the doorbell. 

“Hey, guys!” Missy opened the door and stepped aside to let them in. 

“Hi, Missy,” Bill and Evil Ted made their way inside. Deacon was sitting on the couch playing on his Gameboy, but didn’t look up at them. 

“I guess I can give you that cookbook now, Bill,” Missy led them to the kitchen. She thankfully didn’t seem weird about the phone call. 

When they got to the kitchen, Evil Ted immediately started raiding and made a groaning noise when his search turned up with nothing. “There’s only healthy stuff here.” 

Missy raised an eyebrow at Evil Ted. Captain Logan was strict on everything, food included, and Ted had grown up only eating healthy meals and snacks at home. There were days where he went to Bill’s just to eat some chips or candy. The lack of junk shouldn’t have been surprising. 

“Uh, Missy,” Bill said. “You might remember the evil robot usses. This is Evil Ted. Him and Evil Bill are living with us.” 

“Ohh,” Missy gave a slow nod. “Well, if everything’s okay with you guys now then it’s nice to formally meet you, Evil Ted.” 

Evil Ted gave a toothy smile. Missy returned it and continued her search for the cookbook. 

Missy bent over to check one of the cupboards, and Evil Ted definitely checked her out for a quick second. Ted used to do that all the time when he was over at Bill's house, whispering to Bill how hot his stepmom was. It was the one thing Ted did that managed to irritate Bill. Bill never understood Ted's attraction to her, and he told himself that it because Missy was his stepmom and so he just didn't see her that way, but then she married Ted's dad and Ted was still making comments while Bill tried to make himself see it. By the time Missy married Captain Logan, Bill had started lying about it anyway, saying that she was hot and trying to look like he was checking her out when Ted was. 

Even the princesses, Bill couldn't get himself to be into them. Ted taking a detour on their most excellent adventure through time to ask them to prom actually made Bill a little sad. He thought they were having fun on their own grabbing historical figures, and that he was enough company for Ted. But if Ted said they were historical babes, then they must be. Bill told himself in the courtyard, when he still didn't understand why Ted was so enamored with the princesses, that he probably just hadn't met the _right_ babe yet. 

Bill still told himself that often. One day he'll meet the right babe, and he'll understand why Ted is so crazy about them, and then he won't be in love - no, not love, Bill wasn't in love with Ted - _all weird_ about Ted. 

Missy popped up, holding a little cookbook. "Here it is!" 

It was pink and decorated in stickers that Missy must have put on when she was little. Bill flipped through it, finding notes on almost every page along with glitter and more stickers. It was kinda cute, and an insight into Missy's childhood, which Bill had never really heard about before. 

"Thanks, Missy," Bill said. 

"You're welcome, Bill. Sorry it's pretty girly." 

"That's alright," Bill thought of what Ted had said earlier, about gender stereos or whatever. 

Bill caught up with Missy, and it turned out she started college classes and was aiming to become a professional psychic.

"Wait," Evil Ted said. "Like that Norman Bates dude?" 

"Evil Ted, you bonehead," Bill said. "That's _psycho_. A psychic is a scientist dude." 

"Actually, boys," Missy laughed. "A psychic is someone who practices spirituality. I'll communicate with those in the beyond." 

"Ohhhh," Bill and Evil Ted both finally understood. Spiritual stuff made a lot more sense than what Bill was thinking. Missy _was_ still doing those seances. 

They said their goodbyes, and Bill and Evil Ted were back on the road towards the apartment. 

"She was nice," Evil Ted said. "I feel kinda bad about knocking her out now." 

"You _what_?" Bill almost slammed his foot down on the pedal in his surprise. Maybe Ted should start driving _all_ the time. 

"Evil breath, duder," Evil Ted pointed at his mouth. 

"You have _what_?" 

"Ugh," Evil Ted dramatically threw his hands up. "Totally complicated robot stuff you clearly can't understand." 

"I _did_ fix Evil Bill." 

"And went to robot camp," Evil Ted snickered. 

"Shut up, Evil Ted." 

Evil Ted laughed and then turned up the music for the rest of the ride, air guitaring in his seat before grabbing the cookbook and flipping through it. 

When they pulled into the apartment parking lot, Evil Ted shoved a recipe in Bill's face. "Can you make this, duder?" 

Bill gently grabbed the book from Evil Ted. It was bacon mac and cheese, which seemed simple enough and Bill already had the ingredients. "Sure, dude." 

"Excellent!" 

Bill's heart warmed at Evil Ted's smile. He hoped Ted was just as happy. 

When they got into the apartment, Ted came bouncing out of the bedroom while Evil Bill peeked his head out of the blanket fort. Evil Ted crawled into the fort and they closed the blankets up again. 

"How was the trip to Missy’s?” Ted glanced at the cookbook. 

“Totally worth it,” Bill walked to the kitchen with Ted by his side. “Evil Ted said he wants mac and cheese tonight, if that’s alright with you.” 

“Of course it’s alright, Bill!” Ted said. “Should be a most triumphant dinner.” 

Bill did most of the cooking and Ted handed him ingredients or tried to help him understand a couple steps he didn’t really get. Ted was right though, Bill must totally have a cooking gene. He really enjoyed the whole process, even if he did burn a few more bacon strips then he would have liked, and when he was done he took a small spoonful and brought it to Ted’s mouth to try. Bill watched as Ted’s lips went around the tip of the spoon, and the little bit of cheese that stayed on his lip, and he had to shake the thought away of how he would love to kiss him right now. 

“Whoa,” Ted said after he ate it. “Bill! You’re a most unrivaled chef! You should do this every night!” 

“Thanks, dude,” Bill felt his face blushing. Ted bounced on his feet and helped Bill make the four plates. “Dinner, dudes!” Bill said in the living room. 

Evil Ted shoved aside the blanket with a wide grin. Evil Bill didn’t look as enthused as he pulled back the other blanket, letting Bill and Ted sit down on the couch to watch something after the robots grabbed their plates. 

Evil Ted scarfed his serving down right away, and Evil Bill took a few hesitant bites before doing the same. Bill smiled to himself as he ate his share. They ate mostly in silence, although Evil Bill piped up with a few snarky comments about the crappy movie on. They were all finished pretty quickly, and Bill got up to collect the dishes. 

"Thanks, Bill!" Evil Ted handed Bill his plate. 

"No problem, evil dude," Bill went to the kitchen. Evil Bill muttered something and when Bill looked back, the couch was closed off again with only Ted on the outside. 

"Let me do the dishes tonight, dude," Ted said when he made eye contact with Bill.

"You can wash and I'll dry 'em," Bill said. 

They got the dishes done pretty fast, and soon they were both under their covers, whispering jokes back and forth like how they did when they used to have sleepovers. 

Bill made a crack that didn't get a response. "Ted?" he asked after a few seconds of silence. "Dude?" 

Ah, he fell asleep. 

In tenth grade, Ted passed out pretty early during a sleepover at Bill's house. They had set up blankets on the floor to sleep on because Bill only had his bed, but they were still pretty close, and Bill had a nightlight that was plugged in at just the right spot that it shone on Ted's face. Bill didn't know how long he was up that night, but he spent the entire time staring at Ted sleeping. When he opened his eyes that morning, he swore Ted was looking at him, darting away quickly to stare at the ceiling when Bill woke up.

Bill wished he could see Ted’s face now. The room was too dark, and they were too far apart. 

\-----

Writing lyrics was hard. The music part was just fine, but finding the right words not only to tell a story or get a message across, but to also flow together in a satisfying way, was not something Bill was very good at. It didn’t help that the radio was playing one of his favorite songs, and he would start writing down the lyrics from that instead of anything original. He was tapping his pencil down on the paper, trying to think of something both eloquent and badass, when his evil robot counterpart entered the room. 

He wasn’t his usual relaxed self, he shuffled on his feet and slouched in the doorway. 

“Hey,” Bill hoped nothing heinous happened. He turned down his music a bit. 

“One of the princesses called.” 

That certainly wasn’t unusual, but some anxiety flowed through Bill. The robots better not have said anything bad, especially since Joanna and Elizabeth really didn’t deserve it. They had been through enough. 

“You two are going to the mall tomorrow. She’s picking you up.” 

Oh, that wasn’t bad at all. Bill wanted to ask more questions, like who he was going with and if he got a time, but Evil Bill looked wildly uncomfortable and Bill didn’t want to force him to be in this situation anymore. He should probably ask later what was wrong. 

“Alright, thanks for telling me.” Bill smiled and went back to his paper. Evil Bill hovered for a little before leaving. 

Evil Bill was a mystery, that was for sure. 

The princess he was going with turned out to be Joanna, which Bill wasn’t surprised by. She had a CD playing classical music, which she excitingly told Bill was a musician that had been around during her time. 

“Isn’t that amazing?” Joanna said. “People can discover music from five-hundred years ago, and to them it would be _new_.” 

“Yeah, totally,” Bill was always impressed by Joanna. She viewed things in such a different way than him and Ted, made little observations that would have never crossed his mind. “Modern technology is most impressive in its accomplishments.” He didn’t know what he would do without his CDs and tapes. 

Joanna smiled in agreement. “Elizabeth and I are thinking of making our own record label.” 

Bill bounced up in his seat. “Whoa! Joanna, that’s totally excellent!” 

“Thanks, William,” she said. “It’s just an idea for right now.” 

“You should do it.” Bill loved seeing the princesses doing well. Right now they were working office jobs at an insurance firm, and it paid pretty good. Forming a record label would be a pretty bodacious next step in their careers. Especially since they had such a knack for music. 

Joanna only smiled at Bill. "Tell me what's going on with you! Feels like we haven't talked in so long." 

Bill really hasn't had time to hang out or do band practice since the robots started staying over. He didn't realize it but he hadn't really talked to either of the princesses in a while. "Still working at Pretzels 'N' Cheese," Bill chuckled. "Uh, the evil robot usses are staying with us." 

“And how's that going?" 

"It's okay," Bill felt a little guilty. He never really thought about how having them around might affect the princesses, who probably assumed they were dead just like everyone else. He probably should have told them earlier. "Evil Ted's not all bad." 

"I think you'd get along every version of Ted there is," Joanna said a little cheekily. 

“Ha, yeah,” Bill didn’t think there was a world out there where he wouldn’t get along with Ted. If there was, then that world was surely dark and depressing. 

They didn’t buy a lot at the mall except for some clothes (Bill found a Motörhead t-shirt that would make a _most_ excellent crop top), and spent most of their time catching up with each other. Even when they talked regularly, most of their conversations were about Wyld Stallyns and music. It was cool to hear all the stuff Joanna and Elizabeth got up to that Bill hadn’t heard about yet, like how they had game nights at a co-worker’s house every other Saturday. 

Bill only had one problem: he couldn’t stop thinking about Ted. 

He was used to seeing Joanna with Ted and Elizabeth, and Bill still found himself waiting for Ted to make comments about whatever they were talking about. And even when they were ordering slices of pizza from a place in the food court, Bill nearly slipped out Ted’s usual order right along his own. 

Bill had an easy time shoving it aside (not really, his heart clenched every time he remembered Ted wasn't there, but at least he wasn't running off to get home to him) until they passed a display window with a mannequin wearing a red shirt with a yellow smiley face on the front. Bill knew he had to buy it for Ted, and his heart started racing at the image of Ted wiggling with excitement at the gift. 

Joanna scooted up next to Bill. “Are you going to buy that for Theodore?” 

Bill nodded fervently and they walked into the store. The shirt was only twenty dollars, and Bill felt way better about buying it rather than the few shirts he bought for himself. He couldn’t wait to get home to show Ted, swinging the bag gleefully as he walked. 

“You’re really happy about the shirt,” Joanna laughed. 

“Yeah! Ted’s totally gonna love it.” 

Joanna opened her mouth only to close it. 

“What?” Bill tilted his head at her. 

“Nothing,” she shook her head with a polite laugh. “It’s just. . . It’s sweet how you’re always thinking of him.”

Bill got a squirmy feeling in his stomach.

“I'm sorry, Bill,” Joanna said. “Did I upset you?” 

“No, no,” Bill said. "Something's just been bothering me lately." 

Joanna must know something was up, because she rubbed Bill’s arm in a comforting way. “Do you want to come to my place to talk? I can make tea.” 

Bill nodded, maybe a visit would clear his head. 

It did not. In fact, Bill’s brain was only getting more muddled. Elizabeth was in her room, leaving Joanna and Bill alone to sit on the couch in their living room. She stayed to her word and made some tea, which Bill wasn’t a big fan of but he sipped it slowly to be polite. 

Joanna jumped straight into asking how him and Ted were doing. Bill responded they were excellent, obviously. 

But then Joanna asked how Bill _felt_ about Ted, and that’s when Bill’s brain completely short circuited. 

“We’re friends,” Bill responded quickly. “He’s my best friend. That’s how I feel about him.” 

“I could be mistaken,” Joanna said. “But it always seemed like there was something more.” 

“What does that mean?” Bill was getting hot, starting to panic. This wasn’t like the phone call. This was a real full-on encounter with his feelings. _Deny, deny, deny_. 

“You care for him so much,” Joanna said. 

“Yeah," he shrugged. “He’s my best friend,” Bill repeated for the second time. 

Joanna pushed the sugar cubes towards Bill, who hadn't realized they were there and immediately dunked a most heinous amount in his tea. "What's been bothering you lately?" Joanna took a sip. "I assumed it was something about Ted. That's why I asked." 

Bill slouched over a bit. This talk was going to be hard. "You assumed right." 

Joanna tilted her head, signaling Bill to keep going. 

Bill took a long sip of his tea, trying to prolong the inevitable. "I want to be by Ted all the time, like today I couldn't stop thinking about him. And I think he's the most stellar guy in the whole world." 

"Why's that bothering you?" 

Bill took a shaky sip and put the cup down. "That's how I'm supposed to feel about a babe." He rubbed his thighs, fidgeting with his hands. "It's not just that I think he's most excellent. I also think he's really cute, and sometimes I want to kiss him. It's totally non-non heinous." 

Bill had never said any of that aloud before. 

"Bill," Joanna looked at him sweetly. "It's okay to feel that way about Ted." 

Bill shook his head. It wasn't okay. He didn't sit through his dad's lectures about how him and Ted better not be acting like queers because it was _okay_. 

"It's okay to like a guy in that way." 

_No_. Bill didn't get pulled aside by Captain Logan in ninth grade to be told he better not be making Ted a fairy because it was _okay_. He wasn't made fun of throughout high school for being a fruit because it was _okay_. 

Bill didn't spend his whole life trying to be everyone else's idea of normal, sneaking porno magazines of girls to try to get himself to like it, shoving down every thought of Ted - and any guy for that matter - that was even slightly romantic because it was _okay_. 

Bill leapt up. “I’m not a faggot!” 

“ _William_.” Joanna’s eyes lit up with anger and hot shame washed over Bill. 

Bill harbored a lot of resentment for the robots, De Nomolos too for that matter, just then, for getting in the way of his relationship. He had just _proposed_ , who knows what would have happened if he and Ted hadn’t gone on that totally bogus journey. He could have lived his life out without ever dealing with any of this. 

But what kind of life would that have been? Living a constant lie. 

“I’m sorry,” Bill crumpled to the floor like his unreleased feelings were the only thing keeping him up. Joanna kneeled beside him, rubbing his back supportively. 

“It’s alright,” she said with a gentle voice. Bill didn't have the strength to argue with it anymore. 

Bill didn’t understand why she wasn’t mad at him for giving his fake I love you’s and obligated kisses. _He_ was mad at himself for it. But Joanna only tilted Bill’s head up so she could rub the tears off his face. He wondered how bad he looked. And how he got here. 

Joanna gave him a warm and comforting smile. “You were never mine, Bill,” she said, giving him closure as if she could read his mind. “And I love being your friend. It’s all I want to be with you.” 

Bill couldn't say anything. He felt like the dam he had spent years building just broke, flooding his brain and washing away everything he's been told and believed. It was a good thing it broke though. Now he can start to heal, make things better, and build something new from the flooded water. 

Joanna helped him stand up. "Let's get you home." 

Bill stood in front of the apartment door, waving goodbye to Joanna before she drove off. He took in a deep breath, loudly exhaled, and unlocked the door. A part of him hoped Ted was asleep, but he also wanted to hear his voice. He really had missed him all day. 

Bill snuck in with the thought that everyone was asleep, when Evil Bill mockingly asked, “How was your date?” 

Bill wanted to punch him. He was sitting there, alone on the couch in the glow of the television, blankets drawn open. “It wasn’t a date.” As much as Bill wanted to throttle him, he also sorta wanted to throw himself in his clone’s lap and cry his eyes out for the second time. If anyone would understand, it would be him, right? Or no, because Bill could never understand Bill. “Where’s. . . ?” Evil Ted was usually always by Evil Bill, especially this late. 

Evil Bill tilted his head at the bedroom. “Talking to your Ted, duder.”

Well, if Ted was talking to _his_ robot version, maybe Bill could too. Worst case scenario, Evil Bill says something mean, and he already does that enough. 

Bill took a seat next to Evil Bill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bill and evil bill's convo will be in the next chapter, from e.b.'s perspective. thankss for reading


	3. (Evil Bill)

Evil Bill was supposed to be ruling the world right now. He was supposed to be setting a city on fire and having someone fan him while another fed him grapes. Instead he was in his archenemy’s dingy apartment, competing with Evil Ted on how much soda they could fit in their mouths (Evil Ted was winning, goddamn it). 

Then the phone rang, and since Ted was at a dinner with his family and Bill was in the bedroom listening to music, Evil Bill scrambled over to get it, swallowing his mouthful of Pepsi. A part of him wondered how he got to the point of actually politely answering a phone, but he was in a mostly good mood for once, so he answered with a cheeky smile towards Evil Ted as he said, “Totally Good Human Bill here. Whatcha need?” 

Evil Ted snickered, and Evil Bill would have too if not for who was calling. 

“Hi, William,” It was the voice of one of the princess babes. Evil Bill didn’t know which one. Guilt squirmed in his chest over the whole ‘hanging them from the rafters and planning on killing them after the show’ thing. It seemed like fun at the time, in hindsight it was most definitely not, at least for everyone else involved besides the robots. It was pretty fun for them. 

“Uh,” Evil Bill wanted to hang up, but he guessed that if he hung up the princess might get upset with Bill, and then Bill would be mad at Evil Bill, and that was something he already dealt with enough. “Hi?” 

Evil Ted cocked his head, sensing that something was wrong. Evil Bill turned away, hoping the conversation would be over soon. 

The princess laughed. “You want to come with me to the mall tomorrow?” 

“Oh,” Evil Bill didn’t know what to say here. Bill wasn’t going to be busy tomorrow, right? “Yeah, sure.”

“Cool! I’ll pick you up!” 

“Yeah, yeah, sounds good.” 

Evil Bill hung up the phone, probably more abruptly than he should have. Dread sunk in his stomach at the thought of telling Bill. What if he got mad? 

He ignored the curious tilt of Evil Ted's head and shuffled over to the bedroom. Bill was laying in bed, the radio turned up so loud that it was no wonder why he didn't hear the phone. 

“Hey,” he went when Evil Bill entered, turning the music down a bit. 

Evil Bill swayed on his feet. “One of the princesses called.” 

Bill shot his gaze up to his robot counterpart. He looked nervous, like he thought Evil Bill said something rude. He couldn’t even be mad at Bill for thinking it, but he was sick of everyone’s expectations for him being so low. As if Evil Bill wasn’t even capable of at least being cordial. 

“You guys are going to the mall tomorrow. She's picking you up.” 

Bill’s eyes softened. 

Evil Bill almost regretted telling Bill anything. He should have gone to the mall with whatever princess it was and just pretended to be human Bill, and then he could have gotten home and told Bill ‘ _see? I’m not any worse than you, dickweed_ ’. It wasn’t a sane plan, but whatever. It was _his_ fantasy, he could think about it if he wanted. 

“Alright, thanks for telling me,” Bill gave him a grateful look and went back to his writing. 

Evil Bill stood in the doorway for a little, wondering why he was so worried about telling Bill when he didn't even seem to care. 

Bill came back home from the mall in the middle of the night, after it was already closed for a few hours. 

Evil Bill kinda felt like one of those parents in a teen movie, where the main character is coming home from a party and trying to sneak in, but their parents already knew they were gone. Maybe it was because Bill was coming in really quietly in case someone was asleep, and the only light was from the t.v. screen that illuminated Evil Bill on the couch. 

“How was your date?” Evil Bill asked, being snarky and trying to live up to the part of disgruntled parent. Unfortunately his experience with parents was practically non-existent.

Bill stopped in his tracks and gave him a glare. It was the first time Bill looked _mad_ , and not in the ‘I’m not mad just disappointed’ way that he always was. “It wasn’t a date,” he said with venom in his voice, and Evil Bill was a little impressed, although he was mostly curious about what had happened that got Bill all moody. “Where’s. . .?” Bill gestured at the couch, asking where Evil Ted was. 

Evil Bill pointed his head at the bedroom. “Talking to your Ted, duder.” 

Bill looked at the bedroom with _yearning_ , as if they weren't just a closed door away and there were instead thousands of miles in distance between them. That date must have been totally non-non-heinous. Bill put his few bags on the floor and plopped himself on the other side of the couch. He stared at the t.v. without saying anything for a while, and Evil Bill had no clue what to do until Bill said, “We went back to her place.” 

Evil Bill raised his eyebrows. 

“Not for that!” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

“Don’t be a dick. We just talked." 

"Pillow talk." 

Bill punched Evil Bill on the shoulder only to bring his hand back in pain. "I always forget you're metal, dude." 

Evil Bill gave a quick air guitar. He _was_ metal, totally. 

Bill giggled, his angry shell starting to break and making way for regular ol' happy Bill to come out. Not all the way yet though. He still had that faraway look in his eyes. He watched the t.v. for a little while longer, but even though his gaze was trained on the movie, he wasn’t really watching it. 

“Joanna and I haven’t really been by ourselves since the breakup,” Bill finally said. “But even before then, we were never alone. It was always Ted and me and them.” 

Evil Bill didn’t understand what was happening. 

“I was so used to Ted being there, I kept expecting to turn around and see him,” Bill continued. “And when I didn't I was _sad_. Then we went to her place and we talked." Bill made a sobbing noise. 

“Whoa, are you crying?” Evil Bill was really not equipped to deal with this. He wanted to tell Bill to stop being a pussweed, what’s wrong with a conversation? 

“We talked about Ted,” Bill wiped at his eyes, “And I missed him all day and I. . . and I. . .” 

“Spit it out,” Evil Bill said, too harshly than he meant to. 

" _What's wrong with me_?" 

Evil Bill wanted to heave out a big sigh, but he managed to keep it in. Bill was a huge mess. He tried to pretend it was Evil Ted next to him crying, he always knew what to do with Evil Ted. Except it was hard to pretend the blonde dweeb next to him was anywhere near the total excellence of Evil Ted. But then again, that blonde dweeb was also sorta himself, and he knew exactly what he was talking about. “There’s a lot of things wrong with you. Loving Ted isn’t one of them.” 

Maybe it was the way Evil Bill said it so upfront, right out in the open, but Bill looked completely shell-shocked. What was he going to do? Deny it? Wasn’t so easy to do when you’ve spent the entire day around a babe and still couldn’t keep your mind off your hot best friend. 

But Evil Bill understood. He had never said it aloud before, always kept his feelings in his clouded head, and although he said it to good human Bill, it _was_ sorta like talking in the mirror. He was a little shook with the words too. 

Bill leaned back with a tear-stained face. "I feel like I was born wrong." 

Evil Bill frowned. "Nobody's 'born wrong'. Except for total dickweeds." 

Bill actually chuckled at that, to Evil Bill's credit. 

The bedroom door opened and Bill quickly wiped at his eyes. 

“Bill, you’re home!” Ted ran to Bill and gave him a quick hug, just like the little lap dog he was. "You were gone all day, dude." 

Evil Ted stayed over by the television, giving Evil Bill a questioning look, to which he responded by rolling his eyes to signal Bill was being a total annoyance, even though Evil Bill actually didn't mind their conversation. Evil Ted covered his giggle. 

“Yeah,” Bill’s voice shook a little, but if Ted noticed he didn’t say anything. “I’m beat, dude.” 

“Let’s get you to bed then, dude,” Ted helped Bill off the couch. 

"I got you something at the mall," Bill reached for one of his bags and pulled out a red shirt with a smiley face. Ted bounced on his feet at the sight of it, grabbing it and holding it to his chest. 

"Whoa, thanks, Bill!" 

Bill gave him a little smile, and as they went back to their room, he turned to Evil Bill and smiled at him too. Evil Bill didn't know why, he hadn't said anything particularly helpful, but he liked the fuzzy feeling he got in his chest anyway. 

Evil Ted threw himself down to lay on the couch. "You going to sleep, duder?"

"I'm gonna stay up a while longer." 

"Okie dokie," Evil Ted situated himself on the couch a little, adjusting his pillow and pulling up a blanket. "G'night, Evil Bill." 

"Goodnight, Evil Ted." 

Evil Bill was proud of Bill, in a way, for finally accepting his feelings somewhat. It wasn't like Evil Bill didn't notice how he would get all fidgety whenever the idea of him being with Ted was brought up. 

He turned his attention to Evil Ted, who fell asleep instantly, and he wanted to run his hands through his hair and cuddle up next to him. 

Evil Bill had already accepted his feelings. The tricky part was figuring out what to do about them.

\-----

Evil Bill always had an itchy feeling. It crept under his skin and constantly made him think there was something wrong. It’s why he always struck first. Otherwise he would get hurt.

Living with good human Bill and Ted only made it worse. Evil Bill felt like they were always judging, telling him everything he did was wrong, and he wasn’t even allowed to waste them (even though that was his _sole reason for existing_ ). All because Evil Ted took a liking to them, which Evil Bill didn’t understand at all. He hated the way Evil Ted sometimes followed them around like a good little sheepdog, and he _especially_ hated it when he did it to Bill. 

Evil Bill liked having everything a certain way, _his_ way. It was how he stayed safe, how he made sure he knew what was going on. Unfortunately the humans were the ones running things. Evil Bill felt like he was blindfolded while trying to navigate a maze, and he _didn’t like it_. 

Another unfortunate thing for Evil Bill: he seemed to be the only one not entirely into the living situation. He wanted it to be a few day thing where they leech off of Bill and Ted and then return to their old pattern, but now they were practically all settled roommates. The humans and Evil Ted adjusted fine, which meant Evil Bill was left as the bitter odd man out. 

With all that, it shouldn’t be surprising to anyone when he snaps, but alas he was living with three crybabies who took everything personally. 

Evil Bill had already been sour because it was impossible to share a couch with Evil Ted due to his height, and there wasn’t enough room in the pillow fort for Evil Bill to sleep in, only to sit. He was trying to be nice just how everyone wanted, so instead of shoving Evil Ted onto the floor every night (which he couldn't do anyway because damn him for actually caring about the bucket of bolts), he had a routine. He got up before everyone else, made a toaster strudel or whatever he could find in the freezer, and listened to a cassette while he ate. It cooled him down, not all the way but enough, before everyone else woke up and it had been working for a good amount of time. 

Except that morning, Ted decided that he wouldn't sleep through Evil Bill's routine. Instead he carried himself into the kitchen and when Evil Bill turned with just frosted toaster strudels, they had bumped into each other and, not only did his food fall onto the not very clean kitchen floor, the frosting got over the front of his shirt. 

Evil Bill had yelled a string of insults that was more a random bunch of curses, which woke up Bill and Evil Ted, who ran into the kitchen like the place was on fire. And the one thing Evil Bill had, his own little breakfast, that he still had control over was now everyone else's to intrude their way into. 

Ted was doing his usual whimpering with Bill rubbing his back in an effort to console, shooting daggers at Evil Bill. 

Evil Bill knew this was the part where he said sorry, and he really did feel bad about the whole thing, but none of them would believe him anyway. Better to stay on the defensive. "Learn how to use your eyes,” Evil Bill took off his shirt as he walked away, and let himself enjoy how Evil Ted followed him (plus how he knew his eyes were roaming his bare skin). 

After he put on his hoodie and laid down, Evil Ted sat down by him. “Evil Bill?” 

“Yeah?” Evil Bill pulled the hood down so it covered his eyes. 

"Ted didn't mean to do anything to you." 

Evil Bill felt a sting of rejection. He missed when it was just him and Evil Ted. “I’m going for a walk,” was what he said instead of _don't you like me anymore_? He walked out the door, and instead of going anywhere he stayed out on the balcony. Hopefully no one would follow him, and they would all think he took a nice walk around to cool off instead of staying right where he was. He hated walking around without Evil Ted. 

The worst part was never Evil Bill snapping, but the part afterwards when the guilt consumed him. He never knew what to do about it. Apologizing meant being vulnerable, but not saying anything meant feeling really bad until enough time passed that it became just another sore memory that nothing could be done about. 

Evil Bill stayed out there for a good hour, only going back inside once the stars faded away into a light blue sky. 

His three roommates were all sitting on the couch. The t.v. was turned down low while Bill, sitting between the two Teds, was excitedly explaining something about whatever comic he was holding. They all looked at him when he walked in, but only Evil Ted’s gaze stayed on him for longer than a glance. He was asking with his eyes for Evil Bill to go sit next to him, but Evil Bill knew the humans wouldn’t want him around. 

He never did get his toaster strudel. 

Evil Bill’s heart clenched when Evil Ted slouched down as he went into the kitchen. Whatever, he thought, Bill’s stupid comic was probably more interesting to Evil Ted than anything Evil Bill had to talk about. 

He made his food and ate at the counter, listening to the other three while they joked around. Sometimes Evil Ted would laugh really hard, and he knew it was Evil Ted and not the other one because his laugh was the only one that made Evil Bill’s chest swell. 

He wanted to go sit on the couch with them, but he wouldn’t want anyone to say anything or give him a look. He wanted them to all pretend he was there the whole time, and he never said anything mean to Ted that morning. Going out there meant facing them, the judgmental looks and passive aggressive words. Evil Bill stayed where was even after he was done eating, leaning against the counter and watching an ant crawl across the tiles. 

At least in the kitchen all by himself, he knew what would happen. He would stay where he was until he decided to move, and that ant was going to go wherever ants go. The fridge would keep running and the light would stay on. Out there, he didn't know anything. 

He wished Evil Ted would yell for him. Or any of them, really. They would say it wasn’t the same without him, and he would be wanted. 

That was another thing he knew. They didn’t need him. Not even Evil Ted, not anymore. 

He wanted Evil Ted to need him. Then maybe he wouldn’t feel so pathetic about needing Evil Ted. 

Someone shuffled in the kitchen, and Evil Bill was disappointed when it wasn’t Evil Ted. Just human Ted, looking down as he went to the fridge.

Evil Bill watched him, and thought he might as well do it now rather than never. “Sorry,” he said. He did feel bad, he had been trying to be nicer to Ted, since he wasn’t nearly as intolerable as good human Bill. He wouldn’t blame Ted if he didn't believe or accept his apology. Evil Bill wasn’t exactly the nicest guy around. 

Ted grabbed three sodas out of the fridge. “It’s okay,” he said while closing the fridge door with his foot. “I’m sorry for bumping into you. You were totally up super early, dude.” 

“So were you,” Evil Bill shot out. Ted giggled, catching Evil Bill off guard. He hadn’t intended it as a joke, he was legitimately irritated by the implication that it was _his_ fault for getting up early. Although it was probably better if Ted misread it, and maybe Evil Bill misread Ted too, maybe he wasn’t trying to say anything. He lightened up a bit. “I always get up that early. I don’t sleep much.” 

Ted cocked his head. “You gotta sleep, dude! It’s as important as breakfast!” 

“Says the guy who ruined my breakfast,” Evil Bill almost hit himself for saying something mean again, but Ted just laughed. Oh well, Evil Bill liked making people laugh, especially a Ted, and if he got to be mean while doing it then that was a plus. 

Ted lightly nudged Evil Bill with his foot, his hands full. “Come sit with us on the couch, dude.” 

Evil Bill blinked. He was mean to Ted, shouldn’t he hate Evil Bill? Didn’t they all sorta hate him? “I. . .” Evil Bill didn’t want to go out there and be an annoyance. 

“Grab a pop, come on,” Ted tilted his head out to the living room and started walking away, clearly with the expectation that he would follow. 

Evil Bill’s heart started to speed up. What if Bill was mad at him? What if Evil Ted was upset he didn’t go sit there earlier? 

But he was wanted, so Evil Bill grabbed a Pepsi and left the kitchen.

\-----

Evil Bill had his hood pulled over his eyes, laying on his back with his arms crossed over his chest while a record played quietly in the background. Evil Ted was reading a comic down by his feet, and Evil Bill honestly thought this was going to be the best nap of his life until Bill and Ted came home from work.

"Wake up, Evil Bill!" Bill said. "We have stellar news to share with you robot dudes!" 

Evil Bill was irritated both by the interruption and the assumption that he was ever capable of getting sleep. He sat up with a groan. 

“There’s a store in the mall hiring!” Ted hopped in front of the couch like he was arriving on stage instead of sharing the most boring news Evil Bill had ever heard. “You two could totally apply!” 

Evil Bill knew Ted wasn’t the smartest guy ever, but he had just hit a new low if he thought Evil Bill was going to start working at a job like any other run of the mill human. He would have said as much if he didn’t still feel the aftermath of what he deemed ‘The Bogus Toaster Strudel Incident of 1991’ hanging over his shoulders (or the way Ted actually seemed to like him, which Evil Bill wasn’t going to get too excited over in case he actually didn't). 

“Yeah!” Bill also looked way too excited about this. “Then you guys can start making money, and pay for your own food and junk!” 

That actually wasn’t a bad point. Money meant not having to grovel on the ground in front of Bill and Ted to ask them to buy him stuff, which he hated doing because it made him feel like he owed Bill and Ted something, even if he did like taking money from their pockets. 

“What place is this?” Evil Bill asked. 

“GameCenter!” Bill and Ted said. 

“Never heard of it.” 

“They sell video games,” Ted said. Evil Bill knew he was being helpful, but he still hated it when anyone knew something he didn’t, as if the universe was keeping him out of some inside info that everyone else got to know without him, and that's why he gave Ted a scowl instead of a reasonable thank you. 

Ted's face went a little red and he brought his gaze to Evil Ted, who was bouncing his leg and fidgeting with the pages of his comic. Well, technically Bill or Ted's comic but no one owned anything for themselves in the apartment anymore. That was the first thing Evil Bill would do if he had his own money: buy something for _himself_.

Evil Ted clearly wasn't enthusiastic about the idea. Evil Bill would cozy him up to it and make him less worried, but not in front of Bill and Ted. He was the one who knew how to help him, and they weren't allowed to chime in. They were already doing enough to take his spot. 

"We'll think about it," Evil Bill said. 

Bill and Ted shrugged before giving an okay and going to their room. 

"Evil Ted," Evil Bill directed himself towards his friend after the other two shut the door behind them. "It's a good idea." 

"I don't know." 

"It would get us out of the apartment!" Evil Bill leaned in a little closer. "Time for just ourselves." 

That made Evil Ted perk up, which Evil Bill knew it would. His crush was obvious. Evil Bill had picked up on it pretty soon after they killed Bill and Ted, with their mission being over he could finally pay attention to other things. Things like how his robot friend always tried to get as close as possible, or the way he got all happy when Evil Bill praised him. Evil Bill would probably be annoyed by it if he hadn't loved Evil Ted back since their power was turned on. 

Evil Bill wanted away from the two humans because he liked it when it was just him and Evil Ted. His own crush made him want all of Evil Ted's attention on him, and maybe time away from the other two would remind Evil Ted that Evil Bill was way cooler than them. 

Although being in a store all day with the person he had been wanting to make out with for his whole life was also scary. Evil Bill boasted a lot of self control. He had managed to remain distant and a bit cold for a long time. _Especially_ when they had to share that stupid bed in that motel room. Evil Bill wasn't scared to be with Evil Ted for any stupid reason. He wouldn't be sent to Hell for it (he was going to Hell for a lot of other things though), and he knew that Evil Ted liked him back. It was just that once he let it out there, it wasn't entirely his anymore. It was other people's to twist around and use against him. Getting with Evil Ted meant navigating a relationship, dealing with other people’s feelings on it, living his life with his best friend in a whole new context. With how things were he could control it. He knew everyone’s place, and he knew how to keep things consistent. Unfortunately at some point he would break, and he was a little scared that being in that store would be it, but the risk was worth the reward if it meant more time with just Evil Ted. 

Evil Ted grew a small smile. “I do kinda miss having time to ourselves. As bodacious as our blanket fort is, it is not the best way to have privacy.” 

“So you’ll at least apply?” Evil Bill inched slightly closer. 

Evil Ted gave a small, quick nod. Evil Bill smiled at him and laid down while Evil Ted went back to his comic, and Evil Bill felt excitement run through him. It was going to be just them again, no good humans to get in between, even if for only a few hours a day.

\-----

Evil Bill expected a typical store, but GameCenter was stuffed in a small corner of the mall, and it wasn't visited often. The carpet was scattered with crumbs and dust lined the shelves. The sign was supposed to glow the letters in the name, but most were burnt out. There was also a Donkey Kong machine, but no one played on it since there was a whole arcade with tickets, prizes, and flashing lights just a floor away. There was also another video game store in the mall that was much bigger and had more recent titles, so there was really no surprise that the shop was desolated.

Evil Ted started fidgeting with the Donkey Kong game until a woman came out from the back. “Can I help you?” 

Evil Bill swallowed. “We are most inquisitive about the hiring opportunity.” 

“Both of you?” 

The robots nodded.

“Alright, well, I’m Emily,” she said. “I’m the manager here. Have you two had any experience working retail?” 

Bill had told them to say yes if they were asked that, and when Evil Bill reminded him that he previously said ‘lying isn’t very bodacious’, Bill huffed and said it was okay to lie when it’s for a good cause. So apparently working at a cobweb-infested game shop was a good enough cause to lie about in Bill’s book. Unlike him, Evil Bill had no standards, so the ‘yes’ he gave slipped off his tongue easy. 

“Criminal background?” 

They both shook their heads no, knowing that there was no chance of getting the job if they quickly explained that they murdered two people, attempted another two, and were part of a plot to take over the world. 

Emily shrugged. “Good enough for me. You’re hired. I’ve been wanting to get out of this store for months.” 

Evil Bill was stunned they had gotten the job that easy, but they were lucky that they both got it. Otherwise Evil Bill might have had to be alone for eight hours a day. Or worse, Evil Ted would have gotten it and Evil Bill would be stuck at home worrying about how he's doing all by himself. 

She returned from the back with papers and a pen and made them sign a bunch of stuff, including a waiver in case of death or serious injury which made Evil Bill wonder exactly what they had gotten into. After they were done, Emily smiled for the first time since they arrived. “Now, I'll give you the not-so-grand tour." 

The two followed her to the backroom, which was through a tiny hallway with a burnt out light, the only other room being a bathroom that was covered in stains from the floor to ceiling. The backroom was behind a peeling wooden door, and hosted only a desk with one chair, a computer, and unorganized papers. 

Emily sighed. "This is it. You can do whatever you want during your shift as long as you're keeping track of people coming in." She dug around the desk until she got two cards with her name and number, which she handed to Evil Bill and Ted. "It's not a hard job, but if you ever need to call me there you are." 

“Thanks, Ms. Emily,” the robots put their cards in their pockets. 

“If I’m being honest, I’ve had that application up for months. You guys are the first to apply.” She leaned in and whispered, “I think this place is haunted. Or cursed. Probably both.” She stood back up. “But that’s your guy’s problem now. You start Monday.” 

Haunted _and_ cursed? Evil Bill would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited at the idea of working in a haunted shop. Ghosts were totally metal (except when they came back to life to utterly destroy you, obviously). 

There was apparently no uniform, and their hours were noon to eight pm. Afterwards, Emily thanked them again for taking the store off her hands, which gave Evil Bill and Ted a feeling that there may actually be something seriously wrong with the place, but they just laughed it off and told her they're welcome. 

It was Friday, meaning they had two more days to themselves before officially having a duty to the world. Evil Bill left GameCenter feeling triumphant, glad to have a little hangout spot for him and Evil Ted. The money wasn't bad either, and now he would get to rub it in Bill's face that he got a job. 

Evil Bill and Ted made their way to Pretzels 'N' Cheese. Bill and Ted had driven them to the mall since they were working their shift. 

Evil Bill slid in front of Ted at the cash register. "Gimme some pretzel bites, duder." 

“How did applying go?” Ted asked with a gentle smile, pouring pretzel bites in a cup. Bill was right next to him, filling a mini cup with cheese sauce. 

“We got the job!” Evil Bill and Evil Ted said with an air guitar. 

“That quick?” Bill frowned, handing them the cheese while Ted gave him the bites. “Bogus. It took Pretzels ‘N’ Cheese a week to call Ted and me back.” 

“We must be more qualified than you guys,” Evil Bill popped a pretzel in his mouth. 

A woman came up behind the evil robots, so Evil Bill moved out of the way and down to the other end of the stand. Bill stayed to take her order, Evil Ted hovering to keep talking to Bill as he filled it out. Good human Ted did follow Evil Bill down however, reaching over the counter to snatch one of his pretzels. 

“Are you happy to get time alone with Evil Ted?” Ted asked with a lowered voice, trying to keep the conversation secret from the other Bill and Ted. 

“Yeah,” Evil Bill shrugged. He glanced over at Bill, who's brow was furrowed as the woman explained he got the order wrong, handing back a sloppily made pretzel. Evil Ted looked at Evil Bill and pulled on his shirt collar, and Evil Bill smothered his laugh. He turned his attention back to Ted, who was smiling along with Evil Ted. “GameCenter doesn’t look too busy. It will probably be just us most of the time.” 

“That’s totally triumphant, Evil Bill!” 

The woman Bill was serving gave an exasperated sigh and threw her hands up, leaving in a huff. 

Bill scratched at his head as he shuffled over to Ted and Evil Bill. "How am _I_ supposed to know what a number three is?" 

"You look at the menu, Bill," Evil Bill said. 

Bill smiled and slowly brought his hand down from his head. "Good thinking, Evil Bill!" 

"Shouldn't you already know?" Evil Ted cocked his head. " _How_ long have you been working here?" 

Evil Bill snickered as Bill frowned. 

"You guys gonna stick around or do you want the keys to the van?" Bill asked, a little grumpy.

Evil Bill was taken aback, Bill and Ted hadn't brought that up earlier. He assumed they would sit at the stand or walk around until their shift was over. 

"Van," Evil Bill gave a toothy smile and opened his palm. 

Bill dropped the keys in his hand. "Pick us up at four, dudes." 

Evil Bill zoomed down the street. It felt good to be behind the wheel again, leaving tire tracks behind him. 

Evil Ted was laughing and quickly leaned forward, pointing at a cat sitting next to a tree off-road. “Aim for the cat, dude!” 

Evil Bill swerved, the cat managing to dodge the van last minute as they drove over the curb. “Aw!” They both snapped. “Just missed!” 

Evil Bill nearly slammed into another car as he got back on the road, making his way to the apartment. 

Tires squealed as Evil Bill sped into the parking lot, slamming his foot on the brake to stop, parking crooked in a spot. He belted forward to laugh, not having done anything like that since they killed Bill and Ted. 

They have a good three hours before they have to go pick up Bill and Ted. 

"What'd you wanna do, E.T.?" Evil Bill asked. 

"Create chaos," Evil Ted said. 

The robots smiled wide at each other and wiggled their fingers together before hopping out of the van. 

Evil Bill and Ted immediately started roughhousing as soon as the door was closed, tackling each other and popping off each other's heads. It was reminiscent of before Battle of the Bands, when their life hadn’t gone downhill. Evil Bill had even broken a plate, having thrown it at Evil Ted’s head only for it to shatter against the wall when he ducked. The difference from pre-defeat was that they had to clean the mess up afterwards, instead of smashing more stuff. 

Cleaning could wait until later. Right now Evil Bill was going to be in the moment with his best friend.

\-----

Everything can be too much. Even stuff that Evil Bill normally likes. He needs time to be alone, and that's why he made his pillow fort. If he's overwhelmed or wants to sit and think, he can go sit in his space where no one else is to sit by himself in the dark. A much better improvement from locking himself in the nearest bathroom.

He was in the pillow fort now because he couldn't stop thinking of _one_ moment. One that was always creeped it’s way into Evil Bill’s mind. 

It was when him and Evil Ted had to share that bed. 

It mostly came to him at night, when Evil Ted was laying _right there_ and he wished he could sneak up behind him to spoon him. Or even for Evil Ted to just crawl onto the couch for bedtime and randomly ask Evil Bill if he wants to be held when they sleep. Evil Bill thought about that more times than he liked to admit, the idea of finally relaxing into Evil Ted’s embrace. 

All Evil Bill could think this time though, was that he was _that_ close that night, and now every night, and he still didn’t do anything. Sulking was Evil Bill’s specialty, so all the sweet things he wanted to do with Evil Ted remained in his head, but he usually found himself wanting the courage to jump into the deep end. The deep end being Evil Ted's arms, of course. 

His cycle of thoughts was rotating from _do something about your crush, pussweed_ to _Evil Ted could never love you_ to _don't be stupid of course he does_ and then back to the beginning, a never ending whirlpool of despair. He was probably being dramatic. 

It was better to have these thoughts on his own, with his head on his knees curled up, rather than around the others. This way there were no questions, no excuses, and he could wallow without shame.

Ted popped in his head. Good human Ted. Smiling with three sodas in his hands. But he wasn't inviting Evil Bill out to the couch. He was just there. Keeping Evil Bill company. So he wasn't so alone. 

That day, when Evil Bill went out to sit with all of them, he hadn't even paid any attention to whatever Bill was saying. He only took notice that Evil Ted scooted a little closer every few seconds, until their hands were almost touching. And all Evil Bill wanted to do was brush his fingers against Evil Ted's. 

Evil Bill missed Evil Ted. He always did when he sat in the dark alone. Evil Ted was like a miniature version of the sun, bright and keeping Evil Bill alive with his rays of positivity. 

Evil Bill closed his eyes. He saw Evil Ted, reaching out his hand through the dark, and Evil Bill couldn't see his face. But he would if he grabbed his offer, held on tight, and trusted Evil Ted to lead him through all the good and bad. And Evil Bill would help Evil Ted too. Nothing bad would happen to him if Evil Bill was there, because Evil Bill wasn't a pussweed and he wasn't afraid to end someone's life if they did something to Evil Ted.

Evil Bill's mind flashed back to his glitch at the mall, when that guy was beating on Evil Ted. He was supposed to protect Evil Ted, and he wanted to, every part of his body was itching to fight, but then he woke up at a motel room. 

_Anything_ could have happened at the mall. And Evil Bill would have been no more useful than scrap metal. 

His worst fear was waking up and Evil Ted being gone. Whether from him being in danger or because he left on his own accord. 

What would have happened if Evil Bill went for it with Evil Ted that night they shared the bed? Would Evil Ted have rejected him? Or would he have been happy that Evil Bill made the first move? Was he waiting for Evil Bill? 

Evil Bill wished he wasn't so scared. It shouldn't be this hard to tell the person you love that you love them. It wasn't fair. 

He wanted to be as confident as he came across. If he came off as that at all. He tried to. 

Evil Ted thought he was, looking at him with unbridled loyalty. Evil Bill was lucky to have someone that would follow him to the end of the earth. 

Evil Ted wasn't a hand in the dark, leading him through life. They were side by side and only shrouded by a mist of complicated emotions. 

Did human Bill do this? Just sit and think? He hadn't said anything else to Evil Bill since that night he cried on the couch. Was Evil Bill supposed to check on him? Was that what a good friend was supposed to do? Evil Bill didn't know where to start with the whole 'being a good friend' thing. He was happy Evil Ted was also a totally evil robot. Even if they weren't exactly doing very evil stuff anymore. 

Evil Bill snapped his eyes open. All dark in his pillow fort. He let the sounds of the apartment rush into him. Bill chuckling, a pan sizzling, Megadeth (Evil Bill's favorite, he smiled), and feet dancing on the floor. 

Evil Bill crawled out of his fort, popping out on the couch to three faces that turned towards him with gentle smiles. The Teds were dancing, Bill standing by the kitchen doorway and watching. 

Evil Bill got up to go to the kitchen, returning the air guitar Evil Ted gave him on his way. 

Evil Bill didn’t dream. They functioned almost entirely like humans, but dreams were not something they had in common. He wondered if he did dream, would they always be of Evil Ted? 

He wished he could dream. Then Evil Ted could light up his world both in wake and sleep. 

Bill came into the kitchen after Evil Bill to tend to his pan of food. Tonight looked like a rice dish with fried vegetables. Evil Bill didn't know how many bites he would have, frankly it didn't smell good, but there was no harm in trying it. 

"What were you thinking about?" Bill asked while stirring the pan. 

Evil Bill's eyes unfocused from the soda he was debating on grabbing. Bill didn't seem malicious, only curious. 

He could tell Bill he was thinking of Evil Ted. He could tell him about the bed in the motel room, about his doubts and fears. He could even tell Bill about how he wondered how different they really were.

Evil Bill sucked in a breath and reached for a bottle of root beer. "Nothing."

\-----

The robots had been working at GameCenter for a few weeks. The place definitely _was_ haunted judging by the creepy-crawly feeling Evil Bill got when he just sat and took the place in. There were also times where he swore things had been moved or he heard noises. The most solid piece of evidence was when Evil Bill and Evil Ted were joking around in the back and there was a crash in the store, and when they peeked their heads out they saw a few games had fallen off the shelves unprompted. Evil Ted even checked outside the store and there was no one nearby who could have done it.

The possible ghosts only added to the fun. Evil Bill and Ted would sometimes sit and try to listen for spirits, they even talked about doing a homemade seance that Evil Ted called up Missy to ask how to do. She said she could pay a visit to the store and help them out, which Evil Ted got really excited about. 

Ghost hunting aside, Evil Bill and Evil Ted each paid half of their share of the rent. Neither of them wanted to, but Bill was trying to be slick by making little comments without really asking them to outright. It was super annoying, so Evil Bill caved and said they would pay just to make it stop. Bill got way too overly excited when they handed him the money and Evil Bill wanted to make fun of him for being a dweeb, but it was good that at least one of the people living there was competent so he left him alone. 

Evil Ted used the rest of his money right away to rent movies and buy music. They all went to the record shop and Evil Bill didn’t even look at the records, too busy admiring Evil Ted as he bounced around the store, all happy that he got to buy something for himself. Evil Bill saved his money anyway, keeping a secret jar he found in the kitchen that he kept in his pillow fort. He didn't know what he was saving for yet, but it seemed like a good idea, and nobody asked about it. It was just his. 

GameCenter was normally closed on the weekends, but apparently the mall arcade was having a Donkey Kong tournament, and a lot of kids wanted to use the one in the store for practice. Emily stressed she could only afford to pay one person to work the extra hours, which meant Evil Bill getting stuck with working the weekend all by himself while a few dozen people came in and didn’t buy anything. He thought about not showing up, but Evil Ted offered to work the weekend instead and Evil Bill didn’t want to push Evil Ted into it. He was sitting at the front, resting his head on his fist, watching to make sure no one stole anything. He was kind of hoping someone would try, just for something to do and have an excuse to release his built up irritation from the day. 

Evil Ted tried calling, but the phones in GameCenter didn’t work too well and Evil Bill kept losing him before he eventually smashed the phone against the wall, which made everyone in the store look at him like he had done something heinously messed up. It made his mood worse, to say the least. 

It was finally closing time after what felt like a week ( _and he still had to work Sunday_ ), and Evil Bill unkindly shoved out the last few stragglers in the shop. He leaned against the wall, trying to decompress before he closed up. His pillow fort seemed really good right now. 

Evil Bill stared at the Gameboys that were sitting on the opposite wall, and thought of when he tried to steal one at that store. That was his first glitch, and at the time he thought it was some divine punishment. He had felt so useless. 

He also found himself thinking that maybe it would be best if he didn’t wake up after glitching. That maybe Evil Ted would be better off without him. 

He shook the thought away. Evil Ted needed him. They needed each other. Besides, life wasn’t too bad. The dweebs weren’t so terrible, and things with Evil Ted were as good as ever. 

Staring at the Gameboys, he remembered how much he wanted one. Ads for them would play on the cheap motel t.v. sets and he wished he could reach through the screen to grab one. There was nothing at the apartment to do by himself either, the living space being very much communal. 

This time he was allowed to treat himself. 

Evil Bill grabbed a Gameboy and three games that he swiped off the shelf at random. If Bill and Ted asked he would just say they give it to him for free, or at a discount, or something. Or maybe he would come by the next day with the money from his jar and put it in the register. 

Evil Bill laughed to himself. No, he wasn’t that much of a pussweed. Who cares if he steals something now and then? 

He started to leave but stopped at the door with a second thought. This really wasn't right. 

Evil Bill grabbed another Gameboy for Evil Ted, throwing everything in a plastic bag from behind the counter. 

He drove home at the speed limit, no fun racing without Evil Ted in the passenger seat. When he got to the apartment, Bill was making dinner and happily told the robot he had gotten home just in time. 

“How was work?” Ted asked. 

“Boring,” Evil Bill noticed the blanket fort was all closed up. He made his way over and opened it a little to see Evil Ted with his eyes closed, listening to a tape. 

Evil Ted opened his eyes and his mouth went wide with a smile. “Dude! You’re home!” he pulled his headphones down around his neck. 

“Yeah,” Evil Bill crawled onto the couch and shut the blanket again, encasing them in the dark. “I got you a gift.” 

One of the cool things about being a totally metal robot was that they could turn on night vision, which is exactly what the both of them did. 

“That’s awfully nice of you, Evil Bill,” Evil Ted opened the bag and his face immediately froze in a stunned expression. “Whoa, no way, duder.” 

“Yes way, Evil Ted!” Evil Bill dug out the Gameboy and handed it to Evil Ted, who held it in his hands like it was the most fragile thing in the world. 

Evil Ted looked up and Evil Bill got a little worried that he misread the situation, that Evil Ted actually didn’t like the gift at all, but then he threw his arms around Evil Bill and nuzzled his face in his neck. “Thanks, duder, I really don’t know what to say.” 

Evil Bill didn’t know either, surprised by the hug. He slowly brought his own arms around Evil Ted. 

Evil Bill never wanted to let go.

\-----

Evil Bill anticipated being alone in the store with Evil Ted. But he didn’t anticipate there would be a tiny backroom that effectively made close contact a guarantee.

The two had been squished together before, but it had always been a little impersonal. The booth was business, the bed was a happenstance. With the backroom though, they _chose_ to be there together. They could easily sit up front, each taking a seat at the counter and watch as the few people who came by give the store a weird look and leave. But no, the two of them wanted to sit in the back, each with their little excuses. 

Evil Bill was honestly getting sick of it. No, they didn’t want to sit back there because there was a computer, or because the vibe up front was depressing. They wanted to be back there because they wanted to stick their tongues down each other’s throats and were too chickenshit to say so. 

Evil Bill was chickenshit. Really chickenshit. He was leaning back on the table and staring at Evil Ted, who was sitting in the little office chair and playing on his Gameboy. 

Evil Ted really was hot, and Evil Bill had to catch his breath when he looked up at him, showing off that he had gotten past a level. 

Evil Ted's eyes were shining, and Evil Bill's electric heart sped up. He could feel it, the thrum of power flowing through him faster. If he wanted to do it, he should now. When time felt slowed down and there was nothing else going on. Evil Ted’s face was starting to fall, confused on why Evil Bill was staring at him most seriously. 

Evil Bill would just need to push off, give himself a boost. Evil Ted hadn't looked away yet, hadn’t said anything yet. If he waited any longer Evil Ted would ask what was up, or he would go back to his game. He couldn’t think about the bad, he has to push away the fear just this one time. 

Evil Bill grabbed Evil Ted’s shirt and pulled him to smash their lips together. 

It wasn't the amazing first kiss that happened in the movies. Their lack of experience and Evil Ted's shock made it an awkward mash of lips that ended with Evil Bill feeling a little stupid. 

They were both a bit breathless. Evil Ted dropped his Gameboy on the table.

Evil Bill should probably apologize. "Sor-" 

"I-" 

"You go first," they said at the same time. 

Now it somehow managed to be even more awkward. 

"Jinx," Evil Ted said with a shrug and gentle laugh. "You owe me a soda?" 

Evil Bill huffed in amusement. 

They darted eye contact before they slowly brought their gaze back to each other. They stared into each other for a good second, the longest, best second of Evil Bill’s life, and threw themselves into another kiss, this time letting their hands run over the other’s body. 

Their second kiss was more like what the first one should have been. Sweet and spicy and allowing so much built up tension to melt away. Evil Bill should have done this a long time ago. Although they probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done because all he wanted to do now was this forever. 

They had a nice rhythm going, and Evil Bill pulled Evil Ted up to shove him up against the concrete wall. There was probably a more romantic way to handle their newfound relationship, and Evil Bill kinda wanted to crack a _hey, at least take me out on a date first_ when Evil Ted’s hand moved lower down his back to sneak under Evil Bill’s jeans, but he didn’t want to go on a picnic or share a shake or whatever boyfriends did on dates. He was horny and they could do all that stuff later. 

Evil Bill brought his hand up Evil Ted’s shirt and brought his lips down to his neck, enjoying the little huffs of air Evil Ted gave out. “Mph,” Evil Bill bit him a little. “I can’t wait to get home.” 

Evil Ted let out a little laugh. “What if Bill and Ted saw us?” 

“Who cares?” Evil Bill didn’t. 

“ _They_ would,” Evil Ted said. “I think their heads would explode.” 

Evil Bill barked a laugh. 

“I’m not kidding, dude,” Evil Ted continued. “Bill has this whole, like, bogus inner turmoil over his feelings.”

Evil Bill pulled his face back and gave Evil Ted’s side a pinch. This turn of dialogue was a total turn off. “What? You and Bill gossip about boys like girls at a sleepover?” Evil Bill was one to talk, with his previous talk with Bill having happened. He knew all too well about Bill’s feelings, and he also knew that Evil Ted was right. 

“Don’t be mean,” Evil Ted grabbed Evil Bill’s hand from under his shirt, almost like a warning, and Evil Bill wanted to ask what he would do if he pinched him again just so they could go back to making out instead of having a serious talk about their dweeby roommate. But serious conversations were needed in a relationship, he supposed. “I just think, uh, maybe we should wait to tell them. And they should know that way, not because they caught us, uh, doing what we’re doing right now.” 

“And what are we doing right now?” Evil Bill brought another kiss to Evil Ted’s neck. 

“ _Evil Bill _.”__

__“I heard you, dude,” Evil Bill kissed him again on the lips, a more gentle one that he hoped to let Evil Ted know that he was fine with waiting to tell them. Even if he thought it was a little annoying. Sneaking kisses didn’t seem as fun as viciously making out with Evil Ted whenever he wanted._ _

__Evil Ted kissed him back, and let himself let go of Evil Bill, bringing his hands to the blonde’s hips while Evil Bill started to let his hands roam Evil Ted’s chest. Evil Ted moaned at a pinch at his nipple before leaning back, and pushing Evil Bill’s hands down again out of his shirt, and he held Evil Bill’s wrists to keep him still. Evil Bill looked up at him with confusion. Didn’t he want this too?_ _

__“Uhm,” Evil Ted’s eyes darted around before refocusing on Evil Bill. “I really want you.”_ _

__“I want you too,” Evil Bill stayed deathly still, not wanting to mess anything up. He had been wanting this forever, since he first woke up, he can’t lose it._ _

__“Maybe, you can talk to me more though,” Evil Ted said._ _

__“Huh?”_ _

__“When you’re upset, you don’t always tell me what’s wrong,” Evil Ted’s grip became looser, but Evil Bill stayed in his grasp. “You don’t have to tell me right away, and you can write it down if you don’t want to talk, or something that works for you, duder. I just want to know what’s going on with you when you’re down.”_ _

__Evil Bill looked away, staring at the wall, and wishing they could have had this conversation _after_ their first makeout session. _ _

__Being open was scary. Talking about his feelings was scary. But Evil Bill couldn’t say no. It was nice that Evil Ted wanted to know that stuff, and maybe Evil Bill should have given him credit all along. He just couldn’t shake the fear, that if Evil Ted knew what he was thinking about then he wouldn’t like him anymore._ _

__Evil Bill brought his gaze to Evil Ted’s chest, wanting to rest his head against it. “I want to protect you.”_ _

__“From what, dude?”_ _

__“I don’t know,” Evil Bill was starting to get frustrated. “Everything?”_ _

__“Even yourself?”_ _

__Evil Bill could feel himself scowling, but he looked up at Evil Ted, who had such pure intentions in his eyes that his face softened. Evil Bill could never be mad at him. Trying to write all his confusing thoughts down couldn’t hurt. He looked away again and muttered out, “I want you to like me.”_ _

__“I like you,” Evil Ted gave Evil Bill’s wrists a small, affectionate squeeze. “I love you.”_ _

__Evil Bill shot his gaze up. Evil Ted really was totally unrivaled. “Yeah, I love you too,” he said. “I’ll try. I’ll write some stuff.” He could bring a notebook in his fort, write blindly to make sure it came from the soul, or whatever the robot equivalent to a soul was._ _

__“Thanks,” Evil Ted’s smile went from innocent to devious. “Know what I wanna do now?”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__Evil Ted swung Evil Bill against the wall, pinning his wrists up as he leaned down to kiss at his neck. Evil Bill laughed and jumped up to throw his legs around Evil Ted’s waist, pulling him into him as they both groaned at the contact._ _

__Why had Evil Bill waited so long to do this? It was totally excellent.__

__\-----_ _

_  
_Evil Bill paced back and forth. He almost wanted to go into his pillow fort and shut out everything, but then he might miss Evil Ted come home. Plus Ted was sitting on the couch and Evil Bill didn't feel like explaining himself while he crawled through the blankets._  
_

__Evil Ted had gone to pick Bill up from work since he was working a double shift, and he had been gone for three hours now. He did mention they might run a few errands, but it was taking too long for Evil Bill's comfort._ _

__"Evil dude," Ted said. "I'm sure they're okay. Besides, Evil Ted has Bill if anything happens."_ _

__"Don't remind me," Evil Bill muttered. He didn't want to think about Evil Ted prancing around with Bill, feeling safe and protected with _him_. Ted was way too casual about this, sitting there reading a comic with that goofy grin on his face and kicking his legs. "Aren't you worried?" _ _

__Ted looked up. "About what?"_ _

__"I don't know," Evil Bill waved his hands. "They're all buddy-buddy." It wasn't like Evil Bill thought they were gonna hook up, even if they did he wouldn't care _that_ much, but wouldn't Evil Ted tell him first? And what if Evil Ted realized good human Bill was better than the evil robot version? _ _

__"Yeah, they're Bill and Ted, dude."_ _

__"So are we and we're not."_ _

__Oh god, Ted looked _hurt_ , his puppy dog eyes wavering and shooting his head down to hide behind his bangs. Evil Bill didn't mean he didn't _like_ Ted, of course he liked Ted! He was _Ted_! It was just that Bill and Evil Ted went out and did stuff and actively spent time together. Evil Bill heard Evil Ted call Bill at work when he was gone all day. Evil Bill and Ted weren't like that. That's all he meant, not whatever Ted thought, now reading his comic despondently. _ _

__Evil Bill tried to think of how to communicate that, racking his brain while he gently sat down next to Ted. Ted's eyes glanced at him but he didn't move his head, kept it down with his hair in his face._ _

__"That's not, uh, what I wanted to mean, ya know?" Evil Bill heard how stupid that sounded when it left his mouth. He sort of wanted to drop the whole thing, but that probably wasn’t the right thing to do. He cleared his throat, knowing that this was one of those times where he was supposed to share his feelings. “I’m just worried because I always feel like I have to protect Evil Ted, and I’m always a little nervous something will happen to him.”_ _

__Ted closed his comic and fidgeted with his fingers. “That’s sweet, Evil Bill,” he looked back up. “Do you think _my_ Bill is like that with _me_?” _ _

__Evil Bill saw the way Bill was defensive about Ted when they were moving in, and how if they were in each other’s space he would glance at Ted every few seconds, as if he would disappear if Bill didn’t keep a consistent eye on him. “For sure, dude.”_ _

__Ted’s eyes were full of an innocent sweetness, shining at hearing that good human Bill was just as protective as the evil robot version. “You know-”_ _

__The door opened and Evil Bill shot off the couch towards Evil Ted, who was carrying two slushies. "Where were you?" he shouted. Evil Bill would turn this into a full interrogation if he had to._ _

__"We lost track of time in the music shop," Evil Ted pointed at Bill, who had a bag full of records and CDs that he was going to eagerly show Ted. "Then we took a most excellent trip to The Circle K!" Evil Ted handed Evil Bill a slushie. "I got your favorite flavor."_ _

__Evil Bill swiped the slushie and took a long sip. It _was_ his favorite flavor. Or rather flavors, because he liked it when they were all combined. "Hmph," Evil Bill wasn't going to say anything else, but he was trying to be more open now. "I was worried." _ _

__"About what?" Evil Ted cocked his head. "I'm a totally evil robot, dude. I'll be okay."_ _

__"Not just that. . ." Evil Bill hated talking about this stuff. It was _awkward_. _ _

__"Evil Bill!" Evil Ted said with a smile. "You're the most bodacious Bill out there! Don't worry about that! Besides,” he leaned in close. “If we were gonna go _there _, I would most definitely include you.”___ _

____And now Evil Bill was reminded why he loved Evil Ted so much. "What flavor did you get?"_ _ _ _

____"Oh," Evil Ted took a sip. "Just red."_ _ _ _

____Evil Bill pulled down on Evil Ted's shirt so they were eye to eye. "I wanna _taste it_ , duder." _ _ _ _

____Evil Ted nodded quickly and Evil Bill turned around to the couch. Bill and Ted were sitting shoulder to shoulder, still going through the bag. "Alright," Evil Bill pointed his thumb behind him, taking one last sip before putting his slushie on the coffee table. "Off."_ _ _ _

____"Oh, come on," Bill protested but got off the couch anyway along with Ted._ _ _ _

____Evil Ted and Evil Bill crawled into the fort, leaving their slushies to surely melt, shutting the blankets closed so they had total privacy. Evil Bill laid on top of Evil Ted, planting quiet kisses on his neck and trailing his mouth to Evil Ted’s, licking over his lips. He did get to taste the red slushie, the syrup staining Evil Ted’s lips and tongue._ _ _ _

____Evil Ted was perfect, cold as ice and sweet as sugar._ _ _ _

____Evil Bill wanted to go crazy with him, but the careful kisses and touches would have to do for now.____

___\-----_ _ _

_  
_  
_The robots had made a quick trip to Circle K, returning with a bag full of candy, when they saw the people who lived two doors down moving out._  
_  
_  


____Evil Bill had a little burst of hope. Being confined to the blanket fort for making out in an attempt to keep Bill and Ted in the dark wasn’t the best arrangement, and they made enough at GameCenter to pay rent._ _ _ _

____“Dudes!” Evil Bill threw open the door to the apartment, Evil Ted slamming it closed for fun. Bill and Ted came out of the bedroom with raised eyebrows._ _ _ _

____“Did you get my Twizzlers?” Ted asked._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, duder,” Evil Bill dug them out of the bag and tossed them to Ted, who caught them with a grin. “We just saw-”_ _ _ _

____“What about my Reese’s pieces?” Bill cocked his head._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, here,” Evil Bill tossed those to Bill, annoyed by the interruption. “I was trying to say-”_ _ _ _

____Evil Ted poked his shoulder. “E.B., can I have my-”_ _ _ _

____Evil Bill let out a large huff and pushed the bag into Evil Ted’s hands. “Grab whatever you want!”_ _ _ _

____Evil Bill stomped over to the couch, shutting the blankets around him as violently as you could close blankets, crossing his arms over his chest to pout in the dark._ _ _ _

____“What’s up with him?” Bill asked with a mouthful of candy._ _ _ _

____Evil Bill heard Evil Ted open a bag of his own candy. “He was trying to say-”_ _ _ _

____Evil Bill rolled his eyes and threw aside the blankets. Now he wanted _his_ candy. “Throw me my M&M’s.” _ _ _ _

____“Do you want your Skittles too?”_ _ _ _

____“Sure,” Evil Bill caught both the bags as Evil Ted threw them over. He ripped open both of them and dumped a bunch into his mouth. “I was trying to say the apartment two doors over is totally vacant.”_ _ _ _

____“Do you want to move in there?” Bill asked. Him and Ted seemed fine, but Evil Bill took note of the slight fall of their shoulders._ _ _ _

____Evil Bill looked over at Evil Ted, who gave him a small nod in agreement. "Yeah, we do," Evil Bill said._ _ _ _

____Bill and Ted understood, and helped the robots out with getting the apartment, even through all the confusion the landlord had over them being totally metal robots and not humans with identification._ _ _ _

____Evil Bill was standing in their new apartment with the other three. It had the same layout as Bill and Ted’s, minus a bedroom since it was a studio, and was completely stripped of any furniture._ _ _ _

____The robots weren’t immediately sent out after being made. They lived with De Nomolos for nearly a month, and he was the only ‘parent’ Evil Bill knew. He had taught them how to make the most of themselves, but spent most of the time berating them and using whatever he could to beat up on them. They didn’t get food and they slept (although De Nomlos only let them call it recharging) on the cold metal floor. It was safe to say Evil Bill didn’t know what a family felt like, and he didn’t expect himself to like it so much. He found, as he stared into the new apartment, that he was going to miss Bill and Ted being so close._ _ _ _

____Then Evil Bill rolled his eyes at himself, it wasn’t like they were moving very far. If they hit the wall hard enough, they could probably get the attention of Bill and Ted, at the expense of the neighbor in between anyway._ _ _ _

____“What do you think, evil dudes?” Bill asked._ _ _ _

____Evil Bill smirked. “Totally gonna paint the walls black.”_ _ _ _

____“Get huge speakers,” Evil Ted added._ _ _ _

____“Put in red lights.”_ _ _ _

____“Get a badass pet, like a piranha!”_ _ _ _

____“And a venus flytrap!”_ _ _ _

____Evil Bill and Evil Ted gave an air guitar. Their apartment was going to be totally metal._ _ _ _

____“Uh,” Bill and Ted shared a look. “Sounds most triumphant?”_ _ _ _

____Evil Bill went back to their apartment and found his money jar. He had managed to save just enough for a cheap couch, mattress, record player, and television. Plus stuff that Bill called ‘necessities’. Evil Ted brought over his records, the Gameboys, and also their pillows and blankets to build up a new fort in their apartment, one that would be even cooler because they had the whole apartment to build in, not just the couch._ _ _ _

____They threw their mattress on the floor in the corner, and put the couch with the t.v. in another. They put up the blankets as a fort in the middle with the record player in it. Evil Bill even got to build another mini pillow fort, although he felt like he might be spending a lot less time in it._ _ _ _

____They ordered Chinese food and Bill and Ted stayed over to watch t.v. and eat before they went back to their own apartment._ _ _ _

____While they were leaving though, Evil Ted hugged Bill goodbye and they whispered something that Evil Bill couldn’t make out. He turned his attention to Ted, who was shifting on his feet, hands in his pockets._ _ _ _

____“Uh,” Evil Bill scratched the back of his head. He couldn’t find the right words. Was a goodbye really necessary?_ _ _ _

____Ted brought his eyes to Evil Bill’s. “I’ll see you tomorrow, dude,” he said with a gentle smile. Evil Bill returned it, relieved he didn’t have to dig in his robot brain for the words._ _ _ _

____Bill and Ted left and as soon as the door was closed, Evil Ted leaped onto Evil Bill, tackling him onto the floor and pinning his arms above his head._ _ _ _

____And yeah, Evil Bill had never been more attracted to Evil Ted than right now, when he was planting kisses all over while making breathy noises as if he couldn’t help himself._ _ _ _

____He looked around the apartment while they pushed each other towards the mattress, undressing and throwing their clothes wherever. It was unrivaled, everything about Evil Bill’s life right now. He had the most stellar boyfriend, kickass place to live, and he was thinking clearly for the first time since he was built._ _ _ _

____Things never stayed perfect forever, but he was going to enjoy the hell out of it right now._ _ _ _

_____Most triumphant_._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got too attached to this version of evil bill i wrote oops


	4. (Ted)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo last chapter then its the epilogue. enjoyy

It was weird to have the robots gone. Ted got used to the absent blanket fort pretty quick, but his heart twisted at not seeing Evil Bill around the apartment all the time anymore. He was more distant than Bill, and a little mean, but Ted still liked him despite it. 

Bill and Ted still saw them everyday because they all drove to work together and the robots liked to come over just to be nuisances, laughing when they managed to successfully annoy Bill. They also all still ate together, although the robots weren’t coming over for Bill’s home cooked meals _every_ night anymore, choosing to stay at their place and order food when they felt like it. Bill made dinner even when they weren’t coming over, and Ted enjoyed telling him every time that he made yet again another most delicious meal. 

Bill and Ted’s shift at Pretzels ‘N’ Cheese got over a few hours before their robot counterpart’s, so they tended to drive home before going back to pick them up. Usually in that time, Bill and Ted chilled out at home and listened to music, but this time they were going to do something they hadn’t in a long time: Wyld Stallyns band practice. 

Ted hoped practice wasn’t awkward or anything. Bill had been acting a little different since he went to the mall with Joanna, and they haven’t all been together in over a month, the robots taking up a lot of Bill and Ted’s time. The last time Ted talked to Elizabeth was about a week ago, when he called while Bill was in the shower to ask if something happened between him and Joanna. She said they had a personal conversation and Ted let it be. 

They pulled up to the princess's house. Rufus was the one who originally set them up with the place, giving them enough money until they were able to support themselves. The house was pretty sweet, but the garage was Ted’s favorite part because that’s where the instruments were set up. Sometimes he got lost in there, feeling like he was back in high school in Bill’s garage. 

Bill rang the doorbell and Elizabeth opened the door with a smile. She let them in, giving each of them a hug, and led them to the kitchen where there were snacks waiting on the island table. 

Ted really enjoyed seeing Elizabeth, even if he still felt bad about their relationship not working out. He felt like he had loved her, even if he didn’t really know what love was supposed to feel like. Things between them after the breakup were a little awkward at first, but at the end of the day, Ted and Elizabeth gelled together really well and they still got along. 

“Joanna’s setting things up,” Elizabeth said. “Do you two want something to drink?” 

Bill shook his head, but Ted nodded and asked for water. Elizabeth handed him a glass and Ted sipped on it, the coldness making his teeth sting. 

“How’s it been going, Elizabeth?” Bill asked. “Joanna told me about the record label.” 

“Oh, that!” Elizabeth smiled. “We’re getting _very_ close to making it a reality.” 

Bill had told Ted about the label back after he had gone to the mall with Joanna. Ted thought it was a most excellent idea, and he was glad to hear it was going well. 

Joanna came in from outside. “Garage is all set up. Are the Wyld Stallyns ready?” 

Practice was jilted. The princesses were playing really good as always, but Bill kept messing up his notes which made Ted distracted and mess up _his_ notes. Bill didn’t seem as into it as he usually was, not flailing around while he played or going up to the microphone to belt out random spews of words. After their sixth restart on a song, they all agreed to stop for the day.

Joanna gave Bill a sympathetic look and brought him over to a corner to talk. Ted gave them space and went over to Elizabeth by her keyboard. They discussed the set they were playing, Elizabeth showing Ted a few new sheets she had written and talking about how to improve a few songs. Ted nodded along and was trying to pay attention, but he noticed that Bill and Joanna kept stealing glances at him while they talked. He caught Bill’s eye and gave him a smile. Bill returned it, but it wasn’t a usual Bill smile. It looked. . . pained. 

Ted blinked and looked down at his hands, picking at the skin. He hoped he hadn’t done anything. 

“You know,” Elizabeth said. “One of my friends at work is gay.”

That came out of nowhere. Ted had no idea what to say. 

He had heard all the usual bad things growing up, but Ted never listened to that stuff. Who was he to judge people based on who they loved or wanted to dress or any of that? His dad's comments about him never got to him either. Ted knew who he was, and he liked himself. The only time he got mad was when Captain Logan said stuff about Bill, or about the ‘nature of their relationship’, because he cared about Bill and didn’t like hearing insults about him. 

Bill tapped Ted on the shoulder, ready to go pick up the robots, saving Ted from having to come up with a response that wouldn't be anything but awkward. 

Ted waved goodbye to Elizabeth, but Bill gave Joanna a hug before they left to get in the van. 

“Elizabeth told me one her friends is gay,” Ted said after they had been driving for a bit. He was going to add on that it was kind of a random thing for her to bring up, but Bill made a choking noise and started loudly coughing. Ted rubbed his back and Bill waved his hand to say he was fine, giving out a few last coughs. 

“That’s interesting!” Bill was trying to act casual, but his eyes were watering from his coughing fit and he was fidgeting around with nervous energy. 

Ted never expected Bill to react like _that_. 

Bill cleared his throat and rubbed at his eyes, keeping one hand on the wheel. Ted stared at him, wondering what had gotten to him, and then brought his eyes back to the road. Today was most atypical. 

GameCenter had an abandoned feel to it. It made Ted think of an older owner, pouring his heart and soul into the place, only for his spirit to become trapped, forever haunting the store and making the place unwanted in an ironic twist of fate. 

But it also felt abandoned because the two employees who were supposed to be there were nowhere in sight. 

“Dude, do you think they ditched?” Ted asked Bill. They rarely came by the shop, and when they did the robots were waiting for them at the counter. 

“Check the back, dude,” Bill started a game of Donkey Kong. He always got sucked into whatever game he was playing, so this meant that even if the other two were in the back, they would probably all be stuck here until he was done. Ted didn’t mind that, he liked watching Bill play video games. 

The back of the store was a tiny, icky hallway that Ted would hate having to turn his back to while he manned the front, afraid of some kind of monster spawning out of the dark to stalk him. He swung the door to the back office wide open with the full intent that the two robots would not be present. 

They were present, however, and Ted regretted his decision to be so upfront immediately. 

Evil Ted was sitting on the edge of the table, his side facing the door so that Ted got a full view of Evil Bill leaning on him with his lips on his neck and hand down his pants in a familiar tugging motion. Ted froze like a deer in headlights as the two stopped and snapped their faces towards him. 

“ _What the fu_ -” Evil Bill threw an empty soda can at Ted, who finally snapped out of his shock and slammed the door closed behind him before it got him in the face. Luckily it only hit the back of the door, but that wasn’t exactly what was on Ted’s mind. 

Ted stood against the door for a few seconds. He was trying to get his thoughts together, and erase the image of what he just saw out of his head. It was so _weird_ to see what was basically yourself getting a handie from your lifelong best friend. 

This was a lot to process, and it made Ted come face to face with a lot of undiscovered feelings. Bill would never want to do that with Ted, but his robot counterpart did so. . . Wait, no, Evil Bill was so far from Bill in a lot of things. Did _Ted_ want to do that with Bill? His own robot counterpart was totally into it, but he wasn’t gay, was he? _Was that why Elizabeth told him that?_ No, he couldn’t be, he always found babes hot. Although he did have the occasional thought from time to time. . . 

Ted was starting to get a headache. 

He pushed himself away from the door and went back out to the front of the store. Bill was still playing Donkey Kong, tongue stuck out in concentration. 

“Um, Bill?” Ted hated how embarrassed he was right now. It wasn’t _his_ Bill back there. _Did he want it to be_? 

“Were they back there, dude?” Bill must have been too zoned in to hear any of that, which meant it laid on Ted completely to tell him. Should he even? 

“Uh. . .” 

Just then, the two robots came out from the back. Evil Bill had his flannel wrapped around his waist and Ted wished he didn’t know why. Evil Ted was hovering behind Evil Bill with his gaze trained on the floor, Evil Bill's signature scowl was worse than usual. 

Ted shuffled on his feet and tried avoiding Evil Bill's gaze. Bill was clueless to the tension, and Evil Bill heaved out a sigh before pushing forward and dragging Bill away from the game by the back of his shirt. "Come on," he growled. 

"Aw, man," Bill scrambled away from Evil Bill to walk on his own. 

Evil Bill locked the store doors behind them. Bill didn't pick up on the energy floating between Ted and the robots until they were in the van. 

“You guys are acting most abnormal,” Bill said while they were stopped at a red light. Normally when all four of them were in the van together, there was chaotic shouting and arguing, but the ride had been silent except for music playing out of the speakers and the sounds of Evil Ted’s game. 

"Blame your boy toy," Evil Bill said. Ted kept his eyes on the road.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bill asked, not very kindly. Ted knew he was turning back to give them a frown. 

“Nothing, duder,” Evil Bill said, backing off for once. The ride went back to silence except for the small outbursts the robots had about whatever game Evil Ted was playing. 

When they got to the apartment, Bill asked the robots if they wanted to come to their's for dinner since he was making macaroni again and that was Evil Ted’s favorite. They agreed and Ted’s stomach sunk. He was never going to escape this nightmare. 

Rushing past everyone to get inside first, Ted practically ran to the bedroom while Bill went to the kitchen to start dinner. Ted smashed his face into his pillow until he heard a knock. “Come in?” Nobody ever knocked, they all just burst into whatever room they wanted. 

The robots opened the door. 

“Did you hear that? It’s called a knock,” Evil Bill said as they went to sit down on Bill’s bed. 

Ted sat up. “Sorry.” 

“It’s fine, duder, but you totally owe me a kiss,” Evil Bill leaned forward. 

“What?” Ted leaned backward. 

“ _I’m kidding_ ,” Evil Bill said much to the reassurance of Ted. “Unless you’re down,” he added with a wink. Evil Ted was trying to look sympathetic, but he was doing a poor job of holding in his laughter. 

When Ted didn’t say anything, Evil Ted did get a genuine pitying look in his eyes. “We were gonna tell you,” he said. “But we didn’t know when.” 

“ _He_ didn’t know when,” Evil Bill said. “I wanted to make out with him all day, but he thought your heads would explode.” He gave Ted a once-over. “Looks like he was right.” 

Ted didn’t like it when Evil Bill acted condescending. He couldn’t help that this whole new revelation was shocking to him. 

“Well, you guys weren’t exactly just making out,” Ted said, which got a laugh out of the robots. “Also I guess I never thought about me and Bill like that.” 

The robots both cocked their eyebrows up.

Ted shifted. “What?” 

“Never?” they both asked. 

“Well, maybe a few times, but never seriously.” 

“Yeah?” Evil Bill put his elbow on his knee, resting his head on his fist, with a toothy side grin. “What did you think about?” 

Ted was embarrassed by it, but he did have fleeting thoughts about being with Bill. Little fantasies like Bill winning him one of those giant bears at the fair or sharing a soda at the movies. Then there were the times Bill had to fix something at the apartment or in the van, or summer would get particularly hot, and Bill wouldn’t be wearing a whole lot and his body would be glistening with sweat, and Ted always got a little rush of heat throughout his body. Okay, maybe those thoughts weren’t so fleeting, but Ted had never really realized before just how much Bill took up his head. What was Evil Bill’s question again? 

Ted snapped himself back into the present. “I never realized.” It wasn’t like his head was going _Bill Bill Bill_ all day. He thought in images, scenarios playing out like movies in his brain, and he never put those thoughts into actual words before. He never thought _I have a crush on Bill_ , he just saw himself wanting to go to the fair with him or a concert. He hadn’t even taken notice of the fact that his body went warm at the sight of Bill because he had the hots for him. 

“It took me a while too,” Evil Ted said. 

Evil Bill turned his attention to Evil Ted. “When did you notice, dude?” he nudged him. 

Evil Ted nudged him back. “After you were totally hitting on that girl at the mall, duder.” 

Evil Bill leaned in a little closer. “Oh, you were jealous, baby?” 

Evil Ted leaned in closer too, his voice getting lower. “Yeah, I was, babe.” 

Ted cleared his throat just as the robots were a centimetre away from kissing. They turned to him with frowns and leaned away from each other. “Are you going to tell Bill?” Ted asked, feeling awkward. 

“I think he’s gotta figure some stuff out first,” Evil Bill said. “His head might _literally_ explode.” 

Ted thought about how weird Bill had been today. Was he also just realizing the whole thing between him and Ted? Or maybe he was realizing Ted liked him and didn’t want to be friends anymore. The thought was bogus, Bill would never leave his side, but Ted didn’t know if Bill would ever like him back, if he even could. 

Ted was about to ask Evil Bill about it when Bill walked in. “Food’s done, dudes.” 

“Excellent!” Evil Robot Bill and Ted did an air guitar and raced out to get their share.

Bill smiled at Ted as he left the bedroom, and Ted’s heart did a flip. Now he knew why. 

Ted wanted to test something out, so he sat closer to Bill than he usually did on the couch so that their knees were touching, just to see if he would move away. 

He didn’t. 

\-----

Bill was going out with the robots to get a few comics, and normally Ted would go with, but he had been waiting for a moment to call Elizabeth alone. 

He dialed her number and prayed she would pick up, breathing a sigh of relief when she did. “Elizabeth, it’s Ted,” he said. 

“Oh! Hi, Theodore!” 

“Are you busy?” 

“Nope, why? Is everything okay?” 

“I just wanted to talk about something,” Ted slid down to the floor, fidgeting with the phone cord while he talked. 

“Of course. What’s going on?” 

“Uh, I found out the evil robot usses are . . . dating.” It was a little weird to say aloud. Elizabeth was silent, so Ted continued. “I never saw us that way before.” 

“Never?” 

A shock went through Ted. “That’s what the robots said too.” 

Elizabeth chuckled. “Joanna and I knew there was something for a while.” 

“Really?” 

“Mhm, it was actually the robots that set it in for us. You guys are always a pair.” 

Ted couldn’t believe that everyone already seemed to know before him. “And you don’t mind?” 

“Of course not! We care about you guys, we want to see you happy.” 

“You think Bill feels the same way?” 

“I know he does. He just needs some time to adjust.” 

Ted needed some time to adjust as well, and he was alright waiting for Bill. 

“Bill will be lucky to have you, Theodore,” Elizabeth said. The corner of Ted’s mouth went up in a small smile. “You’re quite the catch.” 

Ted and Elizabeth moved on to talk about other stuff, and they were on the phone for nearly a half hour before Ted heard the van pull in, blasting heavy metal, and said goodbye. 

Bill walked in with his comics. “I’m home, dude.” 

Evil Bill burst in before Ted could say anything “Hey!” he grabbed into Ted’s sleeve and pulled him out of the apartment, hardly giving him enough time to even put on his shoes. “Come with me! We saw something totally unrivaled on the way and I want to show you!” 

“Are Bill and Evil Ted coming?” Ted let Evil Bill pull him all the way to the van. 

“No way, duder. They already saw.” 

Evil Bill drove like a maniac, pulling out of the parking lot with a squeal and going about twenty over the speed limit. 

“Dude, slow down!” Ted said as he held onto that little handle above the window for dear life. 

“That’s what Evil Ted said to me last night,” Evil Bill gave an obnoxious wink. 

Ted smirked, finally seeing an opportunity to be snarky at Evil Bill back. “Is that _really_ what you want your boyfriend to be saying?” 

“Shut up, Ted.” Evil Bill swerved to go around another car, causing them to honk. “What did you get up to while we were gone?” 

“I was calling Elizabeth,” Ted said, bracing himself as Evil Bill nearly crashed into another car. 

"'Bout what?" 

Ted felt like he was going to throw up from the high speed car ride. "I told her about you and Evil Ted." 

"You still freaked out over it?" 

Ted thought about Bill, kissing him and watching movies curled up under the same blanket as _boyfriends_.

"I guess not," Ted smiled. 

"Good!" Evil Bill took a sudden turn, burning the rubber on the tires, and pulled over on the side of the road. He pointed at a billboard. "Unrivaled." 

The billboard was just an ad for a local restaurant, but there was a giant dick spray painted over the whole thing. 

Ted burst out a laugh. "That is pretty unrivaled, Evil Bill." 

Evil Bill smiled at Ted before getting a more serious look on his face. "Are you gonna ask Bill out?" 

“Not yet. Elizabeth says he needs time." Ted shifted. "Evil Bill, I only just realized, and he seems confused too. What if it doesn't work out?" Ted didn't add his other fear. _What if he wasn't good enough for Bill_?

Evil Bill sighed. “Ted, you’re destined to be with Bill. It’s written down in the history books.” He took a pause. “And even if it wasn’t, you know each other so well, you’d make it work no matter what. There’s no reason to be scared. Trust me.” 

That made Ted feel better, and he smiled at Evil Bill as a thank you. 

Evil Bill looked away and groaned, slapping his hand lightly on the steering wheel, like he didn't want to say what he was about to but he had no choice. "I was nervous too." 

"Really?" That surprised Ted. With how open Evil Bill was about their relationship, all the jokes and flirting, plus his general confidence, it was hard to see Evil Bill being nervous. 

"Yes," Evil Bill muttered. “I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to be his favorite person, and I wanted him to love me, like how I loved him. If I told him how I felt, and he didn't feel the same, I don't know what I would have done.” 

“Thanks for telling me, evil dude,” Ted knew it was hard for him to talk about that kind of stuff. 

"Hmph. How did I end up you dweebs' therapist?" 

Ted fidgeted around a bit. "Who asked out who?" 

"What?" 

"Did Evil Ted ask _you_ out? Or the other way around?" 

"I, uh, just grabbed him and kissed him."

"Oh. I don't know if Bill would like it if I did that." 

"You'll get together your own, dweeby way, dude." 

Ted smiled, confident that things would work out, and watched out the window as Evil Bill turned the van around to drive home. He picked up speed and Ted turned up the music. 

\-----

The news report nearly made Ted choke on his cereal. 

_Inmate Escaped From San Dimas Prison_ read the bulletin. A picture of De Nomolos in the corner while the reporter explained to call the police if you see him. 

Ted checked the news for feelgood stories not _this_. 

Bill was sitting next to him on the couch, and was shoving spoonfuls of Fruity Pebbles in his mouth. "We should call the robots," Bill said while he chewed. 

"Think they already know?"

There was a loud crash and Bill and Ted looked at each other before putting their bowls down to get to the robot's apartment. The neighbor in between stuck his head out before rolling his eyes and going back inside. 

Bill knocked on their door and Evil Ted opened it in a tank top and boxers. Ted noticed Bill's eyes drifting over his body, cheeks turning slightly pink. Evil Ted leaned against the doorframe. "Heard the news, human dudes?" 

"Yeah, you two dudes okay?" Bill asked. 

Evil Ted nodded, pushing the door more open so they could see inside the apartment. "We smashed the t.v. though." 

It had clearly been thrown against the wall, lying in a heap of broken glass on the floor. 

"Bogus," Bill and Ted said. 

"It's fine, dudes," Evil Ted shrugged. "We'll get a new one." 

Ted looked into the apartment some more. "Where's Evil Bill?" 

Evil Ted scratched his arm, eyes becoming downcast. He stepped outside, shutting the door behind him. “Evil Bill doesn’t want to find De Nomolos, but I feel like we sort of have to.” 

“Why?” Ted asked. 

“He made us. We’re supposed to be loyal to him.” 

Ted knew the feeling. He had spent years trying to be good enough for his own parental figure. The last time he had seen Captain Logan was at a stupid dinner a while back, and he had spent all his conversation with Ted being passive aggressive about his lack of success in life. Success being his father’s idea of the word anyway, Ted thought his life was most excellent. 

“I felt like that about my dad,” Ted said. “But just because someone made you doesn’t mean you need to follow them. De Nomolos is like a totally bogus dad. You don’t gotta let him program you anymore.” 

If Ted was still trying to get Captain Logan to be proud of him, he would have no idea where he would be, somewhere totally non-triumphant was for sure though. 

Evil Ted seemed to soak in the words. “De Nomolos _is_ most egregious.” 

“If De Nomolos ever comes by,” Bill said. “You dudes can totally come to us.” 

“Thanks,” Evil Ted opened the door to go back inside. “We know.” 

He stepped inside and Bill and Ted went back to their own apartment. Ted hoped Evil Bill was okay and that the news didn’t affect him too bad. 

“I hope De Nomolos doesn’t show up,” Ted said as Bill collected the bowls of now soggy cereal to dump as Ted grabbed the remote to switch to a channel playing cartoons. 

“Me neither, Ted, but I think we can handle him again. That dude did not seem to have a very high IQ.” 

“What does IQ stand for anyway?” 

“Ted, you blockhead,” Bill threw himself down on the couch next to Ted. "The test is named after the guy who made it. Some french dude named Intelligence Quotient."

\-----

Loud knocking on the door interrupted Bill and Ted’s late night game of Trouble. Bill went to answer, and Ted was surprised to see it wasn’t the evil robots. It was a dude in his pajamas and slippers, clearly bothered by something by the look of anger shining in his eyes, which had totally heinous bags under them. Bill put his hands up to feign innocence, and Ted went to stand near Bill even though he hated confrontation. He couldn’t let Bill deal with whatever this guy’s problem was on his own. Ted realized that it was dude that lived in between them and the robots. 

The man yelled, “Aren’t those your brothers living down there?” 

“Uh, no,” Bill stuttered out. “I mean, they look like us and we know them, but uh, it’s complicated, dude.” 

“Tell them to quiet it down! I haven’t been able to sleep since they moved in!” The man stomped back towards his own apartment, slamming the door. 

There _was_ music blasting from the robots’ apartment. Bill and Ted sighed, going over to knock on their door. Bill had to pound on it for them to even hear it, Evil Bill only opening the door after Bill also started shouting. 

“What, dudes?” Evil Bill asked. “We’re busy.” 

“Doing what?” Bill tried to look inside but Evil Bill blocked him. 

“None of your business,” Evil Bill threw a quick wink at Ted. He felt his face go red. He hadn’t told Bill about the robots, and he would feel a little bad if Bill found out the same way that Ted did. 

Bill huffed. “The guy next door says you dudes are being too loud.” 

“That dude?” Evil Bill pointed his thumb next door. “He’s such a pussweed, nothing we do makes him happy.” 

“You _could_ turn down the music,” Bill said. 

“If we turn it down-” Evil Bill stopped himself. “Fine, totally bogus, but fine.” He slammed the door closed and Bill rolled his eyes. 

They got back into the apartment and continued their game. Ted liked calm nights like this, when it was just him and Bill. He had forgotten how nice they were from the time the robots lived with them, when a game of Trouble would descend into shouting and allegations of cheating. He was surprised Evil Bill gave in so easily to turn down the music. 

“Was Evil Bill acting odd to you?" Bill asked after he popped and moved his piece. 

“What do you mean, dude?” Ted knew what he meant, but at the same time, it was normal for Evil Bill to be closed off. He wondered if Bill picked up on the wink, if he figured it out about the robots. 

“I don’t know,” Bill shrugged. “You think something’s going on with them, dude?” 

“Uh,” Ted swallowed. Should he tell him? Would it be better for the robots to tell him themselves? “Maybe, dude.” 

Bill took his turn and laughed as he knocked Ted’s piece of it’s spot. He didn’t say anything else about the robots, but his demeanor had changed for the rest of the night, more sullen and less talkative. They eventually went to bed, Bill mumbling a goodnight into his pillow as Ted turned the light off. 

Ted knew that Bill stayed awake past him. He usually passed out before Bill and woke up earlier. He liked it though, because he got to see Bill in the glow of the morning, his curls becoming a golden trap for sunlight, and he always just looked at him while he could. 

Ted knew he wasn’t super smart and a little aloof, but how had he never known that he loved staring at Bill because he _loved Bill_. 

\-----

Bill had asked Ted if he wanted to go for a drive, and of course he totally did, so now Ted was watching fields go by as Bill drove them out to some mystery destination. They went on drives often, usually when they wanted to listen to an album in full and also get out of the apartment, but it was never like this. For one, they never left San Dimas on their drives before. Two, they never cruised around as late as they were now, nearly midnight. 

Bill had put in a mixtape without saying anything about it, and when Ted snuck a glance as it entered the tape deck, he noticed it was unlabeled. It had a lot of Ted’s favorites and was mostly love songs. 

“Almost there,” Bill said. They were about a half hour out of the city now. 

“Almost where?” They were passing a pasture, and Ted grew a smile. “Horses, dude!” 

“Whoa!” Bill sneaked a few glances at the few horses dotting the field. They were hard to see at night, but Ted craned his neck as they passed to soak up the sight as long as he could. 

Bill ended up going down an offroad and pulled the van a little ways into a field. He brushed a hand over Ted’s. “I thought we could look at the stars, dude.” 

Ted gave him a soft smile. “A most excellent idea, Bill. How did you find out about this place?” 

“Joanna told me,” Bill kept the van on, turning off the lights with the music still playing, and brought out blankets and a snack basket that he packed before their drive. He had planned this, Ted realized. “I guess her and Elizabeth come out here all the time.” 

They climbed on top of the van, laying down on the blankets. They kept silent for a while. It wasn’t a clear night, dark clouds littering the sky, but it was still beautiful. Ted was so happy that Bill did this. 

“Ted?” 

“Yeah?” 

Bill sat up. Ted wondered if he should follow suit, but he stayed laying down, staring at the curve of Bill’s back. He looked back at Ted. “Did you like the mixtape?” 

“Yeah, dude, it was most romantic.” Ted didn’t mean to say that. He didn’t know if that was what Bill intended, and now he was worried he made Bill feel weird. 

But Bill smiled, so Ted let some of his anxiety wash away. He reached his hand out and Ted took it, sitting up as Bill helped pull him. He looked away from Ted’s gaze, but kept his hand on his. “I have to tell you something.” 

Ted thought he knew, but he didn’t want to get excited over nothing. “You can tell me anything, Bill.” 

Bill dug into his pocket. “I wrote it down,” he pulled out a folded note. Ted didn’t peek over his shoulder, not wanting to read what Bill wrote, but soak in his words from the voice. Bill cleared his throat. “I knew something about myself for a long time and I thought that part of me was totally odious, but I realized it’s who I am, and who I want to be with you. Ted, my friend, you are the most excellent, triumphant, and bodacious dude ever. I knew that since I met you, but -” Bill hunched over a little, his voice catching in his throat. “- you are also the most resplendent and cutest babe I know.” 

Ted’s brain wasn’t working, even though he knew this would happen for days now. 

Bill’s hands gripped the paper tighter. “I guess what I’m trying to say is. . .” he paused and folded the note back up. "Uh, can I kiss you?" 

Ted grabbed Bill’s face and kissed him, hoping that was enough of a yes. Bill made a little noise of surprise before kissing Ted back. 

Ted felt like he was melting, becoming goop in Bill’s lap. He was fine doing this forever and never breathing again. Bill brought a trembling hand to Ted’s cheek and he held the note with the other. All of his body heat seemed to transfer over to Ted, and he felt all tingly in his chest, his heart picking up the pace and rushing blood to his cheeks. It was _most_ excellent. 

They gently pulled apart, only by an inch, and Ted nearly tackled Bill off the car, wrapping him up in a hug and nuzzling himself into his neck. 

“ _Ted_ ,” Bill said in a little whine. 

“I never want to let go of you, dude,” Ted’s words were muffled, going into Bill’s shoulder. “I didn’t even realize until recently.” 

“Realize what?” Bill clutched the back of Ted’s shirt. 

“That I love you. That I always have, dude.” 

Bill let out a small sigh, his breath hot against Ted’s neck, and they didn’t say anything more. Holding each other and staying deathly still, only feeling each other’s chests rising and falling, to stay in this triumphant moment for as long as possible. 

Eventually, the two laid back down, making out under the stars until the mixtape ended and all they could hear was the crickets and breeze going through the trees. 

They packed up the blankets and food, giggling when they realized they hadn’t eaten any. 

Bill rested his head on the steering wheel when they got in the car. "I was so nervous, dude. It was heinous." 

"I know," Ted put his hand on Bill's thigh and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

Bill turned his head to put his lips on Ted's. "You're the best, dude." 

Ted ran a hand through Bill's curls before leaning back into his seat. Bill turned on the car lights and was going to put on the radio, but Ted wanted to listen to the mixtape again. 

Bill drove to a 24-hour diner, ordering burgers with fries and a chocolate shake to share. They sat across from each other in the booth, giggling while kicking at each other's feet and dipping their fries in the shake. 

The drive home was quiet, anticipation buzzing in between the two. When they pulled up to the building, they didn't grab any of the stuff out of the van, wanting to get inside as fast as possible. They ran to the door, racing each other. 

“Should we tell the evil dudes?” Bill asked before putting the key in the lock. “They’re definitely awake.” 

“Nah,” Ted said. “Let’s wait until tomorrow. I just want to be with you.” 

Bill looked away, blushing, and unlocked the door. 

They didn’t get to wait to tell them themselves because the robots were knocking on their door at three in the morning. 

Bill was on top of Ted, kissing his neck, and didn’t stop at the interruption. 

“Dude,” Ted laughed. “We gotta answer the door.” 

“Can’t we pretend to be asleep?” Bill kept going. 

“It could be important, dude.” 

Bill leaned back to look Ted in the eyes. “Ted, dude,” he gave him a peck on the forehead. “You are _most_ considerate.” 

Bill rolled off of Ted and the two went to the door. The robots were there, no surprise, with grins on their faces. 

“Missy’s totally going to do a seance at GameCenter,” Evil Ted said. “You dudes want to come?” 

“But the mall’s closed,” Bill said. 

“We’re totally gonna break in!” Evil Bill and Ted did an air guitar. “You’re coming!” 

The robots grabbed onto the front of Bill and Ted’s shirts and brought them to the van. Evil Bill unlocked it and Bill snatched the key out of his hand. 

“Bogus!” Bill got into the driver’s seat. “When did you get the key, dude?” 

The robots snickered as they got in the back. Ted sat in the passenger seat, and flipped through radio channels. He felt sorta lucky that him and Bill hadn’t even taken off their shoes or got in their pajamas, not wanting to stop kissing. It would have been totally heinous to be forced out in pajamas, although the robots didn’t seem to mind, both wearing basketball shorts and baggy shirts. 

Evil Bill got up and stood hunched over between the seats. He eyed Ted up and down and pointed at his neck. “No way, duder.” 

“What?” Ted tried looking down at his own neck to no avail. 

“Evil Ted, get over here.” 

Evil Ted walked over and looked at the spot on Ted’s neck. He burst out with a laugh. “Ted’s totally got a hickey!” 

“I do?” Ted squeaked out at the same time that Bill went, “He does?” 

Evil Bill put his hands on top of Bill and Ted’s heads, messing up their hair. “How long has this been going on?” 

"Bill asked me out a few hours ago," Ted said. Evil Bill was teasing them, but there was a glint of genuine happiness for Ted in his eyes. 

"This means we can finally break the news to you, Bill," Evil Ted said. 

“I already know about you two,” Bill said. Everyone else in the van went wide eyed. 

“How’d you figure that out, duder?” Evil Bill asked. 

“You weren’t exactly subtle,” Bill pulled up to Captain Logan’s place. “I finally figured it out after that night you didn’t want to turn the music down.” 

Ted couldn't help but smile. Everything felt in place, how it should be. 

Missy came out of Captain Logan's with a bag, closing the door quietly and tip-toeing down the walkway until she got to the van. 

"Hey guys," she said, closing the backdoors behind her. 

The robots found a way to get into the mall and led the other three through, teasing them for being fragile humans that can't even see in the dark. 

Evil Bill opened up GameCenter and turned the lights on. Ted immediately got that icky feeling, the hairs on the back of his neck rising. 

Ted helped Missy set up her stuff, already knowing how to from watching her seances at his dad’s house the few times he came over, while the other three went to take turns playing Donkey Kong, although the robots kept trying to mess Bill up when it was his turn. 

“Ted!” Missy said. “I should tell you, I’m divorcing your dad. I’m moving out in a few days.” 

Ted couldn’t help but be relieved at the news, and bit back the _excellent_ that almost came out of his mouth. Now he could finally visit Missy without worrying about running into Captain Logan. 

“I can tell you're happy,” Missy laughed. “Don’t worry, I am too. I met this new guy. His name is Chuck, and he actually helps clean up the house, unlike _some_ men I know.” 

“That’s excellent, Missy!”

Her eyes looked at Bill and then back to Ted. “So I noticed you two seem closer," her gaze darted quickly to Ted's neck and back up. "Are you. . .?” 

Ted nodded, a little embarrassed by the hickey. “It's stellar, and I never even really thought about it until a few days ago.” 

Missy tilted her head. “Never?” 

_Why_ did everyone say that? Ted shook his head, not wanting to explain that he kind of did but he hadn’t realized that he actually had a crush. 

Missy gave Ted a supportive rub on the shoulder. “You two will have to let me make you dinner sometime.” Bill and Ted would definitely take up Missy on her offer, her dinners were most delicious. Ted was also all fuzzy over the idea of going to a family dinner with Bill as his boyfriend. She clapped her hands after lighting all the candles, “Alright! All set up!” 

They all sat in a circle with their eyes closed, Ted across from Evil Ted, holding Missy and Bill’s hands. She started chanting, asking for any spirits who may preside over the shop to make themselves known. 

A cold breeze swept through and Ted shivered, his veins turning to ice. The feeling the shop gave him was starting to get really bad, almost overwhelming, and a wind was starting to pick up. Bill squeezed his hand as if to tell him it’s okay. It helped a little, grounding Ted when he felt like he was being pulled away. 

“Tell us who you are!” Missy shouted. 

It spoke, not in a voice, but in a rage of cacophonous wind. Ted peeked an eye open, no longer able to hold himself down against the angry spirit, to see a ghoulish figure with fangs and horns hovering over them. It looked at Ted with cavernous black eyes and Ted did the only thing he could. 

He screamed, causing everyone else to open their eyes, and scurried away on his hands and feet. Bill didn’t let go of him, he kept pace to tell him it was okay. The robots jumped up, shouting out, “Metal!”, while doing air guitars and the sign of the devil. Missy opened her book to cast the demon to Hell, but with the circle truly broken, it disappeared back into the in-between world it inhabited. 

The candles had been blown out and a lot of the games were scattered off the shelf, but the robots and Missy looked pretty satisfied. 

“I would say that was a success,” Missy said after exhaling a deep breath. 

“Totally!” the robots said. “Thanks, Missy!” 

Ted was in Bill’s arms, being rocked back and forth like a scared kid, unable to calm down his shaky breaths. _He was never stepping a foot into GameCenter again_. 

Bill helped him stand up on legs made of jelly. 

Sympathy was written all over Missy’s face. “It’s okay, Ted. Unless you contact the demon again, it can’t get you.” 

“You should tell us how to talk to the demon, Missy,” Evil Ted said. 

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Missy started to pack up her stuff. “It could lead to possession or it could attach itself to you.” 

“Attach itself?” Evil Bill asked. “So we could bring it home with us?” 

“Yep.” 

Evil Bill and Evil Ted looked at each other and blinked before once again air guitaring. “Excellent!” 

“Great,” Bill muttered. “Then we’d have to deal with the robots _and_ a demon.” 

Ted giggled and Bill squeezed his arm, smiling up at him. 

“I guess I could lend you my ouija board,” Missy said after she got everything packed up. “Are you gonna clean up the store?” 

“We’ll do it in the morning,” Evil Bill shrugged. 

“Now, boys,” Missy held her hands to her hips and the robots huffed before picking up the games, putting them in random spots to get done sooner. 

They dropped Missy back off at Captain Logan’s, and before she left she cupped Ted’s cheek to reassure him that the demon was trapped in the store. It eased off some the anxiety that was left in him, even though he was stuck wondering if the robots really would bring it home with them. 

Ted fell asleep soon after, head resting on the seatbelt. He was shook awake by Bill, the robots slamming the back of the van closed and running up to their apartment. 

“You alright?” Bill asked through a yawn. “Been a long night.” 

Ted nodded, eyelids half closed. “I love you, Bill,” Ted didn’t know why he said it then. He just really, really did love him. 

Bill went red in the face, and looked away with a smile, hiding himself from Ted. He opened his mouth, but stuttered a bit and closed up again. 

It was cute. One of the cutest things Bill has ever done. “It’s okay, dude,” Ted said. “You don’t have to say it.” He already said it enough in just one night, with his kisses and touches and the little things like the mixtape. 

Bill had been saying I love you for years, their whole lives, by being there with him through everything. 

They trudged up to their apartment with tired limbs, took off their shoes this time and slipped off their jeans, too lazy to get into pajamas. They collapsed onto Bill’s bed, squishing together so they could both fit. 

Bill wrapped an arm around Ted and laid the other one over the pillow, above Ted’s head, to spoon him while they fell asleep. 

“G’night,” he muttered into Ted’s neck. 

“Night,” Ted snuggled deeper into his pillow. He couldn’t wait to wake up with Bill still wrapped around him. 

“I love you.” 

Bill said it really sleepily, and Ted would have thought he passed out right after the words left his mouth if not for the way Bill’s arms clung onto him tighter. Ted smiled, so happy that it sent a quick jolt of energy through his whole body. 

“I love you too, Bill.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had terrible brainrot writing this chapter especially during the seance scene idk if it shows. sometimes a story needs a store haunted by a demon ig.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated. thanks for reading!


End file.
